Thursday June 16, 2016

I somehow woke up early and managed to get some cooking done.  As a result, I was able to bring a healthy lunch in for myself today.  I had a very busy day.  Today was my last day with classes, but it was very full.  I also started experiencing symptoms of depression halfway through the day.  I realized it when I looked and saw that it had been four hours since Carl had messaged me.  Under normal circumstances, I would have just assumed he was busy at work.  Instead, I doubted the fact that he cared about me.  I don’t know what would persuade him to come back in my life and act like this for no reason just to fuck with me, but it was cruel.  It hurt.  The pang in my heart that has been there most moments of every day since he came back in my life became a pain rather than a longing.

I dealt with that pain for the rest of the day.  It continued as my brain told me how nobody really liked me in between my efforts of professionalism as I spoke to my students.  I hoped my emotions didn’t show.  Since none of them gave any signs of noticing any differences, I assumed my efforts were effectual.  I had to stay late after work.  It didn’t help that I had a parent call me up and yell at me for something that was not my fault.

When I got in my car, I was positively miserable.  I wanted a cigarette, but I had just quit again.  I wanted alcohol.  I wanted something that would change how I felt at this moment.  But I couldn’t. Then I thought about it.  Why did I need to change how I felt at this moment?  Because it was miserable.  Because I was in pain.  Because I hated it.  Because if it increased much more, it would become unbearable.  Then I wondered.  Wasn’t this what crying was for?  To relieve the pain?  Maybe it’s the body’s built-in pressure valve.  I tried to cry.  At first, it was very forced.  I cried about the parent being stupid.  But then my tears changed to a steady flow.  I cried because of Carl.  I cried because of the intensity of my feelings towards him.  I cried because of how ridiculous it seemed that I would be crying because of my feelings toward him.  Them I cried about how wonderful a person he had become and couldn’t figure out what his feelings were towards me.  Every time I hinted or downright asked, his response was always, “I just want to spend time with you.”

Then I cried for other things.  I cried for Linda and Kevin who had disappeared from my life a month and a half ago.  There was very little in the way of an explanation, except a short text from Linda saying that they had some stuff they needed to sort out.  I missed them.  I sent them a few texts saying I hoped things were going well for them.  Then I thought about the other friends who had just disappeared over the years and I cried for them too.  But time and again, I kept returning to crying over Carl.

When I got home, I was exhausted from crying and took a nap.  When I woke up, I chatted with Carl and Kyle for a while. I went to sleep late, but it didn’t matter.  I didn’t have any classes the next day, so I just needed to be capable of getting to work on time tomorrow.

Mood – Depressed

Meditation – None


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