Friday June 17, 2016

I awoke so late and with so little motivation that it was surprising that I managed to get to work on time. I did.  I spent a lot of the day tying up loose ends and completing the checklist that was given to all of the teachers to complete by the end of the school year.  I got everything done by noon.  Then I worked on my book.  It really is nearing completion finally. All I have left to do is one final read-through before I send it to Steve.  He knows about this project and has offered to read the manuscript.  He also has told me what the next steps are to getting it published as well.

There came a point where I needed a break.  I stopped to chat with the music teacher and ended up telling her about Carl.  She suggested that I go for it.  She said that there is no better love than the unshakable love of someone who has cared for you for almost 20 years now.  I didn’t stop to argue that he had been with other women and that I wasn’t sure how unshakeable his love was.  But she did tell me that it was the best love in the world.  Then I played her the recording of him singing.  She was so impressed that she said she could fall in love with that voice.  She seemed so enthusiastic for him and for our happiness together that it really led me to hope again.  I really did hope there was something in all of this.  Then she asked to see his picture.  Another teacher was around and she looked too.  The other teacher looked, was silent, and walked away.  The music teacher said, “He’s not bad,” and changed the subject.  “He’s not bad!?”  I know he’s not what people think of as good-looking.  But that doesn’t matter to me.  His goodness, his sweetness, his ability to cheer me up, to make me laugh, his singing, and sometimes to give me a hard time was all overlooked by a comment of “He’s not bad.”  I then realized that of course that’s all they had to judge by.  But I didn’t.  I didn’t care if they didn’t think he was good-looking.  His soul was far more beautiful than any mere looks could make him.  I contented myself with that thought.

After work, I had plans to meet some friends for a small party in the woods.  We were going to have a bonfire, s’mores, hot dogs, that kind of thing.  I also realized that they lived near where Carl works.  I decided to leave early in hopes I could meet Carl for dinner.  I texted him just as I left.  I was more than halfway there before I got  a response.  He couldn’t.  He had to go home and make food.  His sister was visiting and they were going to be doing something for his father for father’s day on Saturday.  I was disappointed, so I showed up to the party early.

Christine was the only one there and she had only just arrived.  I helped her carry things out to our spot.  I wandered off, chose a rock to sit on, and meditated while she got the fire ready.  It took a while to calm the inner dialogue, but it finally did calm down.  I stayed and meditated longer.  Our group was all there by the time I decided to stop and join them.  I felt calmer, more peaceful.  And then I realized for the first time in over a month, the pang of longing in my heart was gone.  And it felt empty, like I was missing something.  I thought about it.  Did I still care for Carl?  Yes. I certainly did.  I couldn’t explain it, but I was happy to not have emotions of that power welling up inside me when there was nothing I could do about them. It is very difficult to feel so much and be able to do so little.

I got home rather late.  Instead of going to bed, I decided to play my guitar for a while, in anticipation of accompanying Carl’s voice on Sunday.  I sent him a message saying I expected him to be asleep and wished him to have a good night.  I was surprised to see a message from him an hour later.  He was at the movies.  Cooking had only taken two hours.  I asked myself why he couldn’t have met me for dinner then?   I was too tired at that point to really do the question any justice with analyzations.  I went to bed.


Mood – Calm/Up

Meditation – 60 minutes or so

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