Monday June 13, 2016

It took a lot of strength of will to get myself out of bed this morning.  Once I did get going, I realized that I wasn’t nearly as tired as I thought I would be.  In fact, I didn’t fall asleep at my desk once throughout the day, something that often happens when I’m short an hour or two of sleep rather than the 5 hours short I was today.  The only real issue the lack of sleep caused was my ability to discern my mood.  I wasn’t depressed or happy or anything that I could tell.

I chatted more with Carl.  I told him how much I enjoyed myself with him last night and how I’d like to see him again.  We both had busy weekends that had been planned in advance, but he said he wanted to make time for me.  I was happy about that, but was a little disappointed that he never came up with a specific time or day.  I started to wonder what exactly he wanted from me.  If he just wanted a friend with benefits or a fuck buddy, it was best to sever what we had considering how much I already felt for him.  I really wanted to be his girlfriend, but was unsure if he felt the same way yet.  I tried to find out subtly what he was interested in, but he didn’t get it.  I told him “never mind”.  He requested an explanation, so I bluntly asked what he was looking for.  He didn’t really answer the question other than to say that he wanted to spend time with me.  I suspect that he’ll be my boyfriend in the end, but it still hurt that he couldn’t or wouldn’t tell me what he wanted from me.  With the depth of my regard for him, I feared getting hurt.  I wanted things to be settled so this fear could go away.  But would it? Or would I merely fear something else instead?

I was almost grateful that I had promised Chandra I would stop by her house after work to take my mind off of Carl.  She is older than me and lives alone.  She was having a man come for the meditation class that she teaches and isn’t comfortable alone with a strange man, so she asked me to come.  It had been a long time since I saw her. I was busy in my own life, seeing her was not a priority for me, and I sometimes felt like she was using me.  Maybe she was, but in hindsight, I realized I’m the only one she has to help her with these things, which softened my heart a little. She probably lives a pretty lonely life, only seeing others during the meditation classes she sometimes teaches. We meditated.  I tried to focus on the sensations of the various parts of my body when suddenly I had something that could be called a vision.  I had never had anything like this happen to me before.  I saw a woman with her arms held out in a sort of blessing.  At first, I thought it might be Mary (please note that I’m not Catholic, so this didn’t make sense).  She said she wasn’t Mary but didn’t offer up another name instead.  It was the weirdest thing.  Not long after, she went away and I continued to meditate.  I helped Chandra with a few things afterwards, but stuck to the time I told her that I had to leave to avoid being sucked into too many things.  As I left, I felt a calmness, an inner stillness.  I hadn’t realized that I had missed it until I got it back.  I really needed to meditate more regularly again.

Music is another of Carl’s hobbies, in addition to art.  I think I had mentioned before in this blog that I play the guitar. He sings.  Sure, we took some music classes together in high school, but I had never heard him sing anything alone before.  He sent me an mp3 of his singing.  I dreaded listening to it because I had some strange idea that it would be bad.  That’s usually what happened when friends sent me mp3s of their singing or their bands and then I’d feel like an asshole for thinking it was horrible.  With dread, I opened the mp3 and was astonished.  He was good!  What’s more, something in his singing touched my heart in a place I could not define and in a way I could not describe.  It was close to love.  Not the new love that I feel for most of my boyfriends at the beginning of relationships, but at that steady, unshakable kind I had once felt for my ex-husband.  I was seriously scared.  Scared that he was fucking with me. Scared that he would leave.  Scared that he didn’t feel for me what I felt for him. Just scared of being hurt.  I didn’t want to feel this much for him, especially since it was obvious that he had no desire to commit to anything right away.

Otherwise, we acted like we were dating.  Our remaining conversations were a mixture of compliments to each other, sexual innuendos, fun jokes, and intellectual suppositions on various topics. We even exchanged kissy face emojis a few times.  He chose the one with the heart next to it.  I was too scared to, so I chose the regular one.  I listened to the recording of him singing a few more times throughout the night.  Each time I felt that feeling in my heart.  I stayed up way too late talking to him.  Even after we said good night, we still continued to chat a bit.  I fell asleep close to midnight.  I enjoyed every minute of chatting with him, but knew that my morning tomorrow would be tough.  I fell asleep with the sound of his voice singing in my head.

Mood – neutral (too tired to tell)

Meditation – 30 minutes


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