I awoke early, but stayed in bed for a while long. I was awake around 5:00,am but didn’t manage to get myself out of bed until 10:00. I had only a small list of things to to today, but Carl was coming over earlier than we had planned on it last week, so I had less time to do them in. I was still very unmotivated. With a lot of breaks, I managed to complete almost all of my tasks before he showed up.
While I did what I needed to do, I thought about Carl’s arrival with anticipation and dread. I had only really seen him twice. All I remembered was how much his face had aged and how he had a bit of a bald spot starting in the back of his head. What if I was so repulsed by his physical appearance that all my feelings and predilections for him didn’t matter?
Well, time passed, as it usually does, and he arrived, looking neither as old nor as bald as I remembered. We drove to a local swim park. Behind the sunglasses I wore, I was able to continually steal looks at him. Behind it all, I was able to see the face of who he was, but also of who he is. It was more of familiarizing myself with the mask of the man I felt like I was somehow destined for. When we went swimming, he took off his glasses, so I could continue to look at him unobserved. His brown eyes, which he complained of, were actually a nice shade of brown. They seemed kind and thoughtful, but with a surprising intensity. I found that I actually did want to be near him and touch him. But there was no opportunity. We brushed by each other a bit a few times in the course of swimming, but nothing lasting and clearly each time was unintentional. Near the pool, there was a pretty footpath that wound around some flowers and trees. We walked around it together. It had gotten cold out and the evaporation and the wind had made my hands very cold. I complained about it several times, hoping he’d take the hint and offer to warm them. He did not. I held my cold hand to his cheek and he told me I could keep it there so he could touch me. However, it seemed awkward to walk like that and I took my hand away.
We weren’t sure what to do next, but I asked him to stop at my apartment so I could change into warmer clothes. I put on a movie for him to watch while I changed. I sat next to him, with a room between us, waiting for him to close the gap, which he never did, despite continuing to complain of cold. I closed the gap a bit, but he didn’t. I started to wonder if maybe he wasn’t interested in me, but our conversations online were too clear to be mistaken.
I decided to take him up on the offer of a massage that he had made to me at some point. I asked where he wanted me and he said someplace where I could lie flt. So we went into my bedroom and I laid on my bed. He massaged me for a very long time. He seemed to focus a lot on the place where my waist met my hips, although my pain was lower than there. After he had finished, I offered him one, which he declined, so I offered to massage his hands, since they must be tired after all that massaging. He accepted and we talked and hung out and laughed while I massaged first one hand, than the other. It slowly got darker, but he rebuffed any offer at lighting. After I was done with the second hand, I kept it in my hands. It stayed there as we talked and laughed for a little while, then he reclaimed it. I was confused. He seemed to either be clueless about my signals or just not interested.
We continued to hang out and laugh and talk and joke on my bed when I realized he was lounging more, so I decided to adopt his position and laid facing him. At some point, I remembered that he was very ticklish, so I decided to do it to see how he would react. The incidental touching that occurred as a result were nice. Then, at one point, he told me he doesn’t actually like being tickled. I asked why he didn’t tell me. I would have stopped. He said he liked me touching him. He somehow ended up with his knees drawn up and one arm around me. It was dark at this point. He pulled me closer and I put my arm around him. We made small conversation. Our faces were so close that our noses kept accidentally touching and we ended up breathing some of each others’ air. It seemed like we laid there like that for a long time. I waited for him to move the inch or two forward and kiss me. But he didn’t. Once, I felt his lip brush mine, but it didn’t make any motion to kiss me. Finally, his lip brushed mine again and I’m not sure which one of us moved forward. Maybe we both did it.
We kissed. Kissing him was like…. how do I explain it? I had never felt anything like it before. It wasn’t the excited overemotion that tends to accompany a kiss when you’re in lust with someone. In fact, the emotion was surprisingly calm. But with an energy behind it. It was also calm, but something that made me want to go back for another kiss and another. So I did. I could have kissed him forever, but there was no strong feeling attached to it. There was a different feeling entirely. A knowing,? A belonging? A familiarity that seemed to transcend the kisses I had before, but still bringing the excitement that I could already feel between my legs. This paragraph still doesn’t describe it, but it comes as close as I can get.
Slowly, very slowly, our clothes came off and led to the inevitable moment, which was a bit of a letdown. He was unable to, uh, perform, but from the little we were able to do made it very clear that we had the chemistry to have good sex together. He later explained about a medical condition he has which sometimes causes that problem. I was a little disappointed, but surprisingly not much. This whole thing (from the massage to the sex) happened over the course of about 6 hours. Afterwards we cuddled. Again, I didn’t feel any of the emotions that I often felt cuddling with other guys. There was emotion, but it was a calm sense of home, like we belonged together. I didn’t want to be separated from him. That’s an odd reaction for me to have. I’m not exactly the codependent sort. Late as it was, I did not fall asleep cuddling with him.
The other weird thing is, we were in the dark the entire time. I wondered why. Don’t get me wrong, it was easier for me to get over who the past “him” was, not looking at his face. I wondered why he insisted on it. Was it because he didn’t want to look at me? Was it because he was self-conscious of how he looked? I didn’t know. He didn’t even accept the offer of a light when he was looking for and putting on his clothes.
When we again stepped out of the bedroom and into the light, I wondered how he would act. He kissed me twice. Then, when he walked out of the door, he leaned back in for another kiss. He drove away and I went to sleep. I had to wake up 3 hours later.
Mood – Varied
Meditation – None