Thursday June 9, 2016

Last night I dreamed I got that 2 day a week job teaching art at that other school.  I dreamed that a teacher was showing me around and told me to pick an empty room to be mine.  However, all of the rooms didn’t have a phone.   That’s how you knew who had been teaching there longer and got the preference, because they had a room with a  phone in it.  I sat down in a couch that appeared to be in a secluded hallway.  I felt overwhelmed.  But then my cats came to visit me.  They rubbed at my legs, sat on my lap, laid next to me, on top of the couch, but were generally friendly and wanted me to pet them.  As I gave them attention, I notice that there were two additional cats there.  One was one of my mom’s cats.  The other cat was my cat that had died a few months ago.  I loved him fiercely.  I had gotten her as a kitten when I was still in college and loved the heck out of him.  My eyes started to well up with tears.  That’s when I noticed that somehow there was an arm around me.  I looked over and there was Carl.  He had somehow sat down and put his arm around me without me noticing.  I described my deceased cat (whom I suspected might be some sort of ghost) and asked if he could see him.  He said he could.  I told him I was very happy he could get to know her now, since he missed her death by a few weeks.  I mostly let him play with her, yet cried freely at just getting to see and touch her again.  Again, the dream was really realistic. I could feel her fur, exactly as it used to be.

When I awoke, I missed my cat terribly and started to cry.  I messaged Carl to let him know that I dreamed about him again.  It seemed strange that he should find his way into my dreams so much.  I also told him that it was a sad dream.  He seemed more concerned about my feelings being saddened than at what the dream was actually about, even though I told him he was in it.  I never did end up telling him.  We chatted sparsely throughout the day (he usually can’t chat much when he’s at work).  Usually I don’t have much time either.  However, today, with the school year coming to a close, I had significantly fewer classes.  I got almost everything done that I needed to do.  Then I worked on my book.  I had already gone through it once, editing as I went.  Then I went through it again, tabulating how often I managed to do the things I set out to do on a monthly basis.  Finally, I decided to change some of the wording in the monthly focus sections, so I was working on that.

When I got home, I was, again, exhausted.  Instead of doing the things I told myself I would do when I got home: exercise, do dishes, scoop the cat litter, etc., I decided to go straight to bed.  Only, when I got to bed, I found that I wasn’t that tired.  Carl came online a minute or two later.  I wondered if he was experiencing the same emotions as I was, of being drawn to me in the same way I was drawn to him.  I tried to get him to articulate why he wanted to spend time with me.  He really didn’t seem to be able to.  It’s not that I was offended by this.  I am far too secure in myself and my strong points to be upset, especially because I knew that I could not articulate the reasons why I was drawn to him. Finally, I sucked it up and told him.  I told him that as soon as we met to go hiking, I felt very drawn to him emotionally.  I used the analogy of a magnet.  I told him that he’s the real reason why I broke up with Diego so quickly, even though it would have happened anyway.  I told him that while he has many good qualities, that I felt drawn to him long before I knew any of them and that I couldn’t explain it and that it scared me.  I told him that was the real reason why I was afraid.  It’s because I have the strong feelings for him and I don’t understand them.  I asked him if his were the same way.  He said they were only they were different in the time of appearance.  He had always been drawn to me since we were kids.  He felt a connection with me all this time.  He hasn’t been able to explain it either.  But I supposed that he’s probably more comfortable with it since he’s had a longer time to get used to it than I have.

Then, as if someone else were speaking inside my head, I heard the words, “He is the one”.  My immediate response was push-back.  Then I heard in my head again.  “He is one of the ones, but he’s your best bet for future happiness.”  I felt elated.  Then I felt scared.  I had spent so long looking for “the one”.  What would I do now?  Spend my time with him, bide my time, move in together, and have kids with him, I guess. I wondered how quickly it would all progress.  I spent so much time working on trying to find “the one” that now I’m free to pursue other goals. It seems so strange to be so certain of Carl, even when we’ve only hung out twice.  But it also feels right.

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