Monday June 6, 2016

I awoke very unwillingly.  I kept trying to go back to sleep because my heart didn’t hurt then.  I didn’t think all of those awful thoughts about myself when I was asleep.  I hoped I would have a good dream or awake with some epiphany that explained everything.  I didn’t want to believe that he was the asshole he clearly was.  What was wrong with me?  I mean, this guy just shows up from my past, I feel like I can tell him everything right away (probably out of loneliness), and he fucks with me.  I should have known better.  But it still hurt.

I had already planned on taking today as a sick day for over a week now.  Initially, my massage buddy was supposed to come over and give me a massage, but he cancelled on me.  Seeing as I had already made the preparations to take the day off, I planned to do so anyway.  I wasn’t looking forward to it.  I wouldn’t have work as a distraction from my negative emotions.  Honestly, I don’t think I would have gotten out of bed without the fact that my cell phone was dying and it wasn’t charging.  I went to the cell phone store and discovered that I had to buy a new charger, though this one wasn’t even a year old.  I was annoyed because they wouldn’t even replace it for free because they didn’t make the product.  That’s a shitty business practice.  I contemplated switching carriers.  I contemplated ditching smartphones and getting a flip phone.  In the end, I paid for the new charger.

Once I plugged my phone in, I saw a message from Carl.  He was at work, which was the first time he said he was able to get online since we had last talked.  The storms were bad where he lived (an hour away).  A tree had fallen on his neighbor’s power lines knocking out the power in his house.  He didn’t have cell service where he lived.  He didn’t have my address anywhere except his computer.  And with the storm damage, he didn’t think it was a good idea to drive 10 miles to a place where he did have cell service.  His story was plausible and I wanted to believe it, but I gave him a very hard time about it anyway.

He was profuse in his apologies. He really wanted to spend some time with me.  Annoyed with myself that I still wanted to give him another chance, I asked where and when.  He listed his various commitments for the next two weeks, saying he didn’t know when. I told him that if he couldn’t find the time, it was clear he didn’t want to.  I was prepared to walk away at that point.  But, I suppose, if you’re prepared to call a bluff, it’s not really a bluff after all, is it?  He made plans with me for after work on Sunday.  I wanted to look forward to it, but distrusted his ability to show up.

I ran various errands throughout the day, including changing my name back to my maiden name on my driver’s license and social security card. I also went to Planned Parenthood to get tested for STDs.  I don’t understand why people are so against Planned Parenthood.  They were the ones who made my STD tests, my breast exams (breast cancer runs in my family), annual gynecological exams affordable.  But I suppose this isn’t the place for that kind of rant.  Anyway, this time they asked me if I experienced various symptoms, all of which I recognized were symptoms of depression.  I told them a modified version of my story with depression, but inwardly, I was glad that they do that now.  There are probably so many undiagnosed people out there.  I know I was one of them, having experienced 8 years of symptoms before anyone bothered to care.

On a whim, I stopped at an out-of-the-way diner because they advertised omelettes and I suddenly craved an omelette. It was mid-afternoon on a weekday, so other than two older men playing gin rummy in the corner, I was the only one there.  One of the men worked there.  As he prepared my food, the other man struck up a conversation with me.  He told me of a pond I could go swimming in and gave me directions.  Because the last few weeks had been so hot, I was dying to go swimming!  I suggested that if Carl shows up early enough, we could go there together.  He seemed very interested.  Last week, he said he could show up around 6:00-7:00, but I guess swimming was a motivator, because he said he could get here by 4:30!

We chatted more.  Over the course of the conversation, he admitted that he liked me.  I admitted that I liked him too, sort of.  Not that I sort of liked him, but that I sort of admitted to it.  I told him I was a little affected still by what happened yesterday.  That was true, I had felt the symptoms of depression all day, but they had started to fade in the evening.  We talked about going swimming and how much we both enjoyed it.  He promised not to “ravish” me in the water.  I asked him what he meant by “ravish” me. He said, “…kiss you all over, have you wrapped up, entwined against me, maybe rub you while your in the water.”  I immediately thought how much I would like that, and said so.  I qualified it with saying I wasn’t sure I was ready for him to do it to me.  There were the emotions of the past counting against him and the feelings from being stood up the day before.  I had only hung out with him in person twice, but we really connected over the internet.  I wasn’t sure if I was ready for him to be like that in person, but I wanted to be. After months of Diego’s polite cuddling, I wanted someone to “ravish” me, if we use Carl’s definition of it (I looked up the real definition online and it said “ravish” means to “rape”).  I stayed up talking to him longer than I should have, but the conversation was so good.  I went to sleep thinking how nice it would be to be wrapped up in his arms in the water.


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