I started the day like a usual Friday. Because the end of the school year is approaching, things were winding down and I had an easy day. When I got home however, I was really tired (again), so I cancelled my plans for the evening. I laid down in bed, expecting to go to sleep early. Instead, my heart started to hurt again for no reason that I could discern. It quickly escalated into a decent depression.
Carl was preoccupied with other plans, but I chatted with him on and off throughout the night. I don’t understand what it is about him that allows me to be completely open about what is going on with me. I’ve edited a lot of what was said, but in the end, it’s kind of the best explanation I can come up with that explains my own personal experience with depression. These were a lot of my explanations to Carl about how I was feeling at the moment.
But with every passing week, I wonder if it’s still withdrawal symptoms or if I’m just returning to my true depressed nature. And do I want to go back on pills that will make me so happy that being treated that way by Diego seems fine? Or continue to not take them and have to deal with nights like this. And the worst part is the negative self talk saying that I probably won’t get better than Diego and how I’ll probably be single for the rest of my life since nobody can deal with me being this way, not long term.
It’s never been fun. Honestly there’s one other thing that helps, but I haven’t had it in a while. It’s not a panacea, but it was the only other thing that helped.
I slept and think a lot of it passed. I hate getting so vulnerable and emotional. While I long for company I hate for anyone to see me like that!”
That about sums it up. My depression wasn’t good. I was at the point of self-loathing, but at least I never managed to get to the point where I self-harmed!