Friday June 3, 2016

I started the day like a usual Friday.  Because the end of the school year is approaching, things were winding down and I had an easy day.  When I got home however, I was really tired (again), so I cancelled my plans for the evening.  I laid down in bed, expecting to go to sleep early.  Instead, my heart started to hurt again for no reason that I could discern. It quickly escalated into a decent depression.

Carl was preoccupied with other plans, but I chatted with him on and off throughout the night.  I don’t understand what it is about him that allows me to be completely open about what is going on with me. I’ve edited a lot of what was said, but in the end, it’s kind of the best explanation I can come up with that explains my own personal experience with depression.  These were a lot of my explanations to Carl about how I was feeling at the moment.

“The only thing that was every able to pull me out of depression was self harm. But I had to get really bad to get to that point. I haven’t done it in a long time.  So instead I’m trying to focus on reading my book and slow the downward spiral of negative thinking and to stop my heart from hurting. But everything hurts. It’s like swimming upstream to combat the negative self-talk and I don’t end up believing the good things I tell myself in the end anyway.
Picture the heartache of loving someone you can’t have. Then imagine feeling that for no reason accompanied by negative self-talk.  And yes, it can be terrible. Curled up in a ball, feeling so much misery telling yourself that you deserve it because you’re a horrible person in the first place. It takes great force of will just to get up, so I’m relegated to just thinking and feeling.
I tell people I have depression and they don’t understand what it means because they were sad to lose a loved one once or were out of work and depressed because of it. To actually have depression means to experience all of that for no reason and at random times. It’s the experience of people leaving who don’t understand that I’m not intentionally pushing them away. It’s just that I expect that they don’t want to deal with me and my messy emotions and are better off without me.

But with every passing week, I wonder if it’s still withdrawal symptoms or if I’m just returning to my true depressed nature. And do I want to go back on pills that will make me so happy that being treated that way by Diego seems fine? Or continue to not take them and have to deal with nights like this.  And the worst part is the negative self talk saying that I probably won’t get better than Diego and how I’ll probably be single for the rest of my life since nobody can deal with me being this way, not long term.

 The only thing that helps is having someone who cares wrap me in his arms and hold me and dispel my negative self talk. I had one guy like that. Once. In the end, he got sick of dealing with it.  That’s one out of, shit, who knows how many boyfriends?  Seriously, maybe I should just stop looking, stop hoping, stop trying. It always seems to end the same way.

It’s never been fun. Honestly there’s one other thing that helps, but I haven’t had it in a while. It’s not a panacea, but it was the only other thing that helped.

I slept and think a lot of it passed. I hate getting so vulnerable and emotional. While I long for company I hate for anyone to see me like that!”

That about sums it up.  My depression wasn’t good.  I was at the point of self-loathing, but at least I never managed to get to the point where I self-harmed!


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