Monday May 30, 2016

I awoke early to try and get as many things done as possible.  The plan was for Carl to wake up, get ready, send me a message, and come over in the morning.  I was looking forward to and dreading seeing him.  I was drawn to him so much that I was scared.  I was scared that with so much emotion on the line, I’d get hurt again.  I was scared that he wouldn’t return the emotion.  I was scared that e felt the same way and we’d live happily ever after together.  But most of all, I was scared that he would use my emotions to fuck with my mind the way my ex-husband did.

My work was almost done.  I only had a few small things left to do for my apartment to be ready for company when I received his message.  He would not be coming.  He woke up early in the morning with a fever and he still felt sick.  He expressed his disappointment because he had been looking forward to seeing me.  I honestly didn’t know what I did with myself for the rest of the day.  I suspect that it wasn’t anything particularly useful.  I was pretty depressed.  The worst part was my feelings for him caused this depression.  Where did these feelings come from?  I understand enough about my own feelings to know that while Diego and I needed to break up eventually anyway, that Carl was the real reason why I broke up with him so soon.  Carl never even mentioned dating, liking me, or anything.  It was the weirdest thing, to me.  Once I saw Carl and went hiking with him, even though absolutely nothing romantic took place between us, that I had lost all desire that I had for Diego.  And I felt bad about it. Diego was a good guy.  Diego was significantly better looking, objectively speaking, than Carl ever was.  But then again, Diego didn’t understand how to respect me, intellectually or sexually.  And the nasty things he said about me, to me, after I broke up with him made me lose all residual affection that I had for him.  Even so, I still felt bad, because I could think about was Carl.  And I had no good, logical reason for it.  And here I was, mourning the fact that he cancelled on me, because why?  I had a random feeling for him that was overwhelmingly strong that I couldn’t explain.  Is it possible that this is God or fate at work?  If so, I couldn’t figure out why.  I had to believe there was a plan.  Not because I wanted to believe in a plan, but because I was feeling all of this misery when there was no plan was a thought too unbearable to bear.

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