Saturday, May 28, 2016

I awoke early to find a message from Carl wishing me a good night. I also found a message from my friend. I told him the story of Diego and of Carl. He counseled caution, but more because he wanted me to not get hurt. Then I talked to my friend Aaron. When explaining Aaron to someone who hasn’t met him, I usually say that he often speaks in metaphors. And that is very true. I honestly couldn’t relate half of the substance of our conversation because I couldn’t remember most of it. However, it somehow managed to get myself to dig deep down and get at the root of some of the problems. It’s like we’re magnets. As a child, when he spent his time annoying the hell out of me, his presence was repugnant. Even if he wasn’t saying or doing anything, I wanted desperately to be away from him. Now, it’s like someone took that damn magnet and flipped it over and I feel drawn to him in a way that I can’t explain. And it’s scary and embarrassing. I realized many things, but I also realized the uncontrollable urge to actually tell Carl about all this. I composed a message to him on Facebook and pressed the “send” button.

“One of the things that I learned is that you scare me. It scares me that you are able to push a button and are able to elicit such an emotional reaction within me that I feel compelled to violence. My ex-husband has a similar ability, only he could find whatever would hurt me most at that given moment and say it. The fact that there is someone else out there who has that kind of a control over my emotional responses seriously scares me. I don’t ever want to be that vulnerable again. And I’m also scared at how much I’ve opened up to you emotionally and told you what’s going on with me. Usually when I confide in someone, it tends to come back and bite me. So, hanging out with you kind of scares me. But at the same time, I still want to, which I can’t explain logically, which also scares me. And the fact that I also feel compelled to tell you these things is also scary. I don’t know why I even feel compelled to tell you all of this.

But I do. And now I’m going to hide because I fear your response as well.

God I’m fucked up.”

And then I experienced all of the second-guessing and over-analyzing while I waited for a response. And his response didn’t come until several hours later (he was working).  He finally asked why I was scared and why I was comparing him to my ex-husband.

I answered the questions.  He was very complimentary towards me for the rest of the day. We had several good conversations, a few of which started to go into sex.  We never actually came out and said that we liked each other, but it was starting to become pretty obvious.  I was very scared. I was scared of liking him.  Scared he didn’t like me.  Scared he was still that asshole kid I knew growing up.  Scared that I really liked him and that I had a real connection with him.

Diego continued to text me.  He finally got insulting, suggesting that I liked to break men’s hearts.  That’s the point at which I told him that I would not be responding to his texts.  I received one more, but after I didn’t respond, he stopped.

I finished my resume and cover letter for that job.  Carl and I stayed up late chatting online, then I went to sleep.

 

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