Friday, May 27, 2016

I awoke around 5:30 and was groggy. I checked Facebook a few too many times to see if Carl had sent me any message. He hadn’t. As I got ready for the day, I contemplated how quickly things had gone downhill between Diego and I and questioned the unexpected feelings I had recently discovered for Carl.   It’s clear that all of this happened around the time I had stopped taking my pills that helped with my depression. Was I too happy and too accepting of Diego before?  Or maybe by recovering my true nature I had been drawn into something with Carl that was more natural and better for me?  Or maybe I’m insane because of Carl’s obvious faults and past behavior? Maybe I should start taking my pills again. There are advantages and drawbacks to having depression. Which one was it in this instance?  I’m not sure why I did it, but I chose not to message Carl this morning.  Maybe I didn’t like the need I had of checking my phone to see if he had messaged me.

I had some free time in the morning and worked on my resume for the job I had previously mentioned. Eventually Carl messaged me wishing me a good morning.   Diego also texted me in the morning. I adopted the playful intellectual tone I had been using with Carl and made a play on words. Unfortunately, it was missed in translation and he didn’t understand it. He texted me again at lunch and seemed out of sorts. I was driving at the time, so I told him I could not talk because I was driving. I’m not sure why, but he responded with the assertion that I do not want to talk to him. He continued on to lament of the unfairness with which I already punished him. That left me confused and wondering what unfairness he was already referring to. He never told me how I had “punished” him.

I had a half day for Memorial Weekend, so I decided to go to the movies.  There were several good movies out this weekend. I decided to see Through the Looking Glass. I had really related with Alice in the first movie in the series. She is a woman who she forgets who she is and then finds herself, even stronger than ever. In watching the second trailer, this one seemed to be about a struggle with the perception of mental illness, according to the previews. It turned out that the real theme was time. While there were many other good lessons to be gleaned from it, I realized that time should not be wasted nor squandered because we don’t know how much we have of it. And while not directly stated, it becomes obvious at what a good choice Alice made in the first movie not marrying Hamish. I put those two lessons together and decided it was time to break things off with Diego.

I thought about my future with Diego and realized he would be very controlling, treating me practically like his sex slave, and that he wouldn’t listen to or support me in anything (emotionally, professionally, or recreationally). It was just best to do it quickly, like ripping off a Band-Aid. Unfortunately, he wasn’t so obliging. Finally he called me. Once he finally understood, he simply said, “Bye” and hung up. Then I received a barrage of texts. First, he blamed me. He told me I was playing with his emotions the whole time and did not care about him. I tried to explain that I did care for him, that I still do, but that it’s best that we shouldn’t be together. He claimed that there was someone else. I faltered a little bit because I immediately thought of Carl. But then realized I had never done anything with him, nothing with him was guaranteed, and I didn’t even know for sure that he even liked me like that. Next, Diego played the victim. He talked about how nobody loved him, how his life is miserable, how he is better off alone, etc. I felt absolutely no sympathy given all the ways he treated me poorly, but didn’t even understand were ways of treating me poorly.  Next, he apologized, said he could change, that we could change. He talked about working things out and compromising.  At this part, I was getting really worn out emotionally.  I put a plea out on Facebook for someone to hang out with tonight.  I needed company.  I was miserable, but determined.  Every time I faltered emotionally, I remembered how it felt with his body pressed on top of me trying to kiss me and I just wanted him off.  Then Diego texted me “Te amo”. I burst into tears.  I needed to go somewhere, to be doing something and I needed to do it now.

I don’t know how many of you were reading this blog when we had our first big fight, but it was because I didn’t know the difference between “te quiero” and “te amo”.  “Te quiero” is telling someone you love them or like them a whole lot.  “Te amo”, according to Diego, meant that you loved that person so much you wanted to spend your life with them.  It might mean you were engaged or close to it. I don’t know why he said it.  Was it that he was finally appreciating me now that I was gone?  Was it a last-ditch effort?  But I knew I couldn’t marry a guy like him.

I had several friends respond to my plea, but they all lived too far away and offered hugs, apologies, and a listening ear.  Carl was going to see the new X-Men movie.  I practically invited myself along.  As I drove up, my phone kept buzzing with messages from Diego.  They were various takes on the things he said early.  He switched gears often.  My sadness quickly gave way to anger. How dare he treat me like he did and beg me to come back?  How dare he now be willing to change?  Why couldn’t this all have happened sooner when I was still willing to give him a chance? When I thought that he was just ignorant on how to treat women here?  Well, he still is ignorant about how to treat women here, but that’s because he didn’t want to listen to me or believe me or something.  By the time I arrived at the movie theater (Carl lives about an hour away from me), I was emotionally drained and wondering what I was doing there.

Carl showed up and we watched the movie.  I discovered that we mostly laughed at the same parts.  He didn’t try to do anything.  There were a few moments where we were touching, like when we both had our elbows on the armrest (or something stupid like that) and just that little stupid touch got me horny.  He always pulled away.  But from those few brief touches, I found myself wet.  Since when did my sex drive come back!?

After the movie, I checked my phone and saw that Diego had texted several times.  He wanted to see me.  I told him it wasn’t a good idea and that I was an hour away.   Carl and I talked for hours.  We stood outside the theater, I set my keys and wallet on the wall next to us, and we chatted.  I can’t really remember what we talked about except that I enjoyed it and I didn’t want it to end.  I also noticed that he kept moving slightly towards me.  The only reason I noticed was because a few times I had to move my keys and wallet because they ended up next to him and not me.  After a long time, he said he had to go.  He said good night and just walked away.  I fought to keep my eyes open on the way home and eventually got there around 2am.

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