Tuesday May 24, 2016

I did my morning meditation, but I didn’t feel as calm as usual. Maybe I need to get back into the habit first. I also started to take the rain again. I have been so busy lately, that for a long time I drove to work. Even though I have to leave earlier, I like the calmness and the extra time that I get on the train to get stuff done. As difficult as the walk can sometimes be, I need the exercise. Not just because I need to exercise, but also because I need the exercise to help with my depression.

I had a relatively good day. I got a lot of back work done. I had some fun conversations. I chatted with Carl, but not as much. There was one point where he alluded to liking me. I didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t. I look forward to his responses to our talks, but I say I feel anything past friendship for him. Otherwise, it is nice to have someone to be there for me, to hear my random stories, and (even better) to understand them!

In the morning, I told off someone where I thought I was being degraded for being a woman. Then in the afternoon I as told off for bumping a woman who was blocking off the sidewalk talking in rapid Spanish. While I tried to remember whether or not I should say “disculpe”, “perdon”, or “lo siento”, she spoke very rudely to me in English  and indicated that she would beat me up next time. I laughed loudly and as carelessly as I could. I have found that is the best reaction to such things.

I enjoyed my time on the train. I went on a quick evening hike and managed to pick up a new map of trails near me. Diego texted me a bit and seemed a lot more attentive than usual. Carl also messaged me rather often. I wondered why I was talking to him so much.  I really didn’t know him all that well.

To put things in perspective, I’m going to give a little background on my experience with Carl.  We grew up in the same town.  We rode the same bus, but really didn’t have many of the same classes.   He was extremely annoying, though he claims to have changed. He explained about his own fucked up childhood and how he did it for attention.  All I knew was that every time he was nearby I wanted to be far away.  I felt almost repulsed by him. We were so bad together that we even got into violent fights, which he started (but I finished).  Our worst fight was in art class (we both enjoyed art and he is actually still making art today).  He hit me in the nose with one of those crappy rigid “canvas” things that we used a lot in class (I guess my school was too cheap to use real frames). It gave me a bloody nose, so I took a ceramic bowl that had just been fired and hit him upside the head with it.  We had mutual friends, so occasionally ended up hanging out together, but there were times where I would purposely not go to something if I knew he was going to be there.

Then, about 15 years ago, Carl found me on MySpace, claiming he always had a crush on me.  It took a lot of messaging and talking for me to remove my former prejudices of him.  I really hated him that much!  Eventually, I started to like him.  It may have been just because I was at a point in my life where I was off of meds and shouldn’t have been, so I was really depressed. Eventually, he made plans to come up and visit me, even though he was several states away.   He was supposed to be my date for a wedding and stood me up, so I  stopped talking to him.

So why was I just opening up to him and telling him everything!? I had no good reason to trust this guy, and yet I felt like I could tell him anything and everything.  What the fuck is wrong with me!?



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