Sunday May 22, 2016

Diego kept trying to wake me up to have sex with him.  Every time I told him ‘no’ and went back to sleep.  Then at about 6:30, I was very clearly awake.  I told him my back hurt too much to have sex.  That was true.  And then one thing led to another and he somehow convinced me to have sex with him anyway.  Afterwards he apologized several times, but I wasn’t sure why.  I tried talking to him about some of the things that were bothering me.  First, I tried to have some abstract conversations.  I asked him what he wanted out of life.  He said he wanted to buy  a house, have enough money, and someone to share it with.  He went on to say that he didn’t want to argue and that he didn’t want anyone with a “strong personality”.  I asked him why he was dating me.  I realized that he didn’t see me as even having any kind of strong character.  Then I realized that he had never seen me in any context where he would see it.  He only really ever saw me on the train, at the grocery store, at various restaurants, and at my house. There was never an instance where he needed to see the strength in my character.  I also told him he didn’t want to be a part of my life since he’s not met anyone in it or had any interest in doing any of the activities that are important parts of my life.  He claimed that he didn’t have the time.

While he was in the bathroom, I logged on to Facebook and saw that a friend posted one of those memes.  This one said “If you have to leave your house to meet your best friend, you married the wrong person.”  So, it became very clear  that Diego didn’t understand how to be a partner.  Working was more important to him than I was or I was not a priority.  I tried to be fair.  I remembered the night that he held me when I cried all night over the death of a family member.  I also recalled a few of the gifts he bought me over the past few months.  They weren’t numerous or expensive, but they were practical and I use them all, most of them daily.

I projected my vision in to the future.  Our relationship currently consists of meeting up to watch TV and have sex 2-3 times a week.  If things don’t change, then it wouldn’t go anywhere.  Even if we did move in, he wouldn’t be around or available unless it was convenient for him.  He always puts himself first.  While he does do nice things for me, I end up doing much more for him than he does for me.  Maybe it’s just the depression making me see the bad in him.  Maybe it’s really like that.

I hung out with a group of friends today.  I tried talking to them a bit about my issues. They listened, but didn’t really offer any advice or even ask any additional questions.  Excepting one friend who had clearly had bad experiences with a Hispanic man.  She has been telling me to dump him as soon as we started dating.  This time she told me that he wasn’t serious about me because he hasn’t met my parents yet.  It’s a Hispanic culture thing, apparently, the meeting of the parents.  His mother is in the country he came from, so I really didn’t think much about it.

I ended up getting home must later than I intended, but couldn’t figure out where the time had went with my friends. As I was driving home, I picked up my cell phone and saw that Carl had messaged me a few times. When I was almost home Diego texted me for the first time all day.  Diego asked how I was doing and then wished me a good night.  Carl continued to chat with me until I fell asleep at the keyboard and wished him a good night.


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