Saturday May 21, 2016

I woke up this morning feeling significantly better than last night.  I awoke long before my alarm.  I even managed to get myself out of bed in time to accomplish a few things before my trip to the mechanic.  That went well too.  The work was less expensive than I had anticipated and they managed to procure the part and fix it in record time.

I had posted a plea to Facebook a few days before looking for someone who wanted to come hiking with me.  I was surprised at who it yielded.  One was a friend of a friend named Mark who I had met at the parties of that friend a few times.  He was married with kids, but seemed to enjoy the things that I posted to Facebook.  The other was Carl, an acquaintance from high school.  I call him an acquaintance because we never really hung out.  We had a number of friends in common.  We rode the same bus.  We both took the same art classes.  However, he worked to be extremely annoying, so I tried to distance myself from him as much as possible.  He caught up with me again via the internet maybe 15 years ago.  I was in a particularly depressed and pathetic state of mind at the time.  He confessed that he always liked me and was just trying to get my attention in high school.  He was supposed to drive a long way to visit me.  His car died and it never happened.  We stopped talking to each other.  We caught up again about 10 years later when he was married and I was planning my wedding. It was just a few conversations here and there and then we stopped talking again.

So anyway, Carl and I Facebook messaged a good deal this morning.  We both decided, on the spur of the moment, to go hiking together later today.  We met and he was facing away from me.  Judging by the body type and the bald spot just starting on the back of his head, I wondered if it was the same person.  It had been a while since I had seen him.  He turned around and again, he was difficult to recognize.  I noticed a few similar facial features.  Otherwise, he looked like a stranger.    I was surprised at the inherent strength in his arms.

We walked for a few miles.  I was embarrassed at how out of shape I was.  At how I huffed and puffed on the uphills.  At how many times I had to stop and rest.  He didn’t seem to mind as we had more conversation while I was resting. We talked a lot.  Okay, I talked a lot, but he talked too.  I had forgotten many things about him.  He is of the same spiritual belief as me, which is rare.  I told him a lot of things that most people won’t tell an acquaintance.  I told him about my problems with depression, about stopping my pills, about Diego’s behavior the night before.  We reminisced about various things in high school that I had forgotten about.  We had a number of good laughs.  He was significantly less annoying than I remember.  He told me he had done a lot of self-work and that was the result.  There were a few times he did annoy me.  And I had the almost uncontrollable urge to hit or kick him.  I thought about it in hindsight.  What was wrong with me that annoyance resulted in the almost immediate reaction of inflicting violence?

I chatted with Carl more after I got home.  He offered to be there for me, to talk to, etc. whenever Diego wasn’t.  My suspicions were instantly raised.  I asked why.  I asked what was in it for him.  He said he’s happy just making other people happy.  Making them smile when they had a bad day, etc.  I didn’t buy it and just assumed that he wanted me for some reason or other.  I couldn’t imagine why.  His affections from high school couldn’t have lasted this long.  especially because he didn’t know me, not even then.

Diego randomly showed up. I told him I was too tired for sex.  He was to. He worked two jobs today. I suddenly felt unsatisfied with him.  I missed being able to connect with someone on an intellectual level.  I missed being able to talk about random theories and things related to this culture that Diego would never understand.  I missed having someone around who shared my sense of humor.  Not that I think that Carl and I would be good together.  In fact, he’d probably drive me crazy. But my time spent with him did make it clear that something was lacking with Diego.  But what do I do about it?  What could I do? It took me longer than it should have to go to sleep.

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