I’m not pregnant. During the time I thought I might be, I stopped drinking (not that I really drank much anyway, but I decided not to have one when I was out with friends). More importantly, I stopped taking my depression supplement. I hate pills. I have always hated pills. However, this was one pill that I felt like I needed. However, the bottle says it could cause birth defects, so I stopped. Then I found out I wasn’t pregnant. I realized that if I did become pregnant, I shouldn’t be taking it.
I did pretty well for the first week, then I found out I wasn’t pregnant. And then I cried. I cried because I wasn’t pregnant. Then I cried because they cut back my hours at work. Then I cried because Diego has been very busy working lately and hasn’t had much time to see me. People were insinuating that he was possibly working extra to buy a ring and propose to me. I allowed myself to believe it, briefly. Then I thought about it. Firstly, he said he didn’t want to marry me to get citizenship, that he wanted to get his citizenship first. Then I he talked about his citizenship hearing next year. I couldn’t figure out what he was saving for and he never said. He said he was saving just to have money saved. Then I cried for no reason at all.
That was two weeks ago. This past week has been significantly worse. Each day it was progressively more difficult to get out of bed in the morning. This morning I woke up before my alarm and my heart hurt. It wasn’t like a physical pain. It was emotional pain. It was the pain I would feel after a bad break-up or after someone I loved died. Only neither of those things actually happened. It took me over an hour and a half to get out of bed this morning. Even then, it was really difficult. The pain lessened on my way to work and returned after it was over and I was less distracted.
The worst part was the emptiness that I felt after I got home. I knew there was no way that I could fill that emptiness. I knew that a cigarette wouldn’t help. I knew that alcohol wouldn’t help. But I still wanted them. I relented and had a few drinks. I debated my resolve to quit taking the pills. I am very familiar with the withdrawal process from regular medications. However, these are supplements and I have no experience with them. I’m wondering how much more of this misery I can take. I’m also wondering at what point I should decide that the experiment is a bad idea and I should start the pills again.
Diago and I are still dating, but we’ve kind of reached a plateau. There are many hobbies and volunteer activities that I do. There are many people in my life. I feel like he only knows one part of me because all we do is sit in my apartment, watch tv, and have sex. For a while now I wondered if he could keep up with me intellectually. Sure, he doesn’t have the same education as me, but he’s smart. Unfortunately, he doesn’t seem to want to discuss things beyond how our day went. And he’s more interested in talking than listening. I mean, we all are pretty selfish, but he really doesn’t seem to care what I have to say. I told him about my pills and he told me that depression was all in my head. I nearly lost it on him right there. Then today he texted me asking if I wanted to see him. I told him I thought he wouldn’t want to see me because I was depressed. He told me to have a good night. Then I thought maybe having company would be a good idea. It’s not like I needed a sympathetic ear, there was nothing wrong, except perhaps with my brain chemistry. I asked him if he maybe wanted to see me anyway. He said no, told me to be safe, and to rest. I started to wonder if he’d be the sort of person who would be there for me during the bad times.
I decided not to decide on anything with Diego right away. The last thing I need to do is to allow my depression to influence any decisions. However, his reaction to my depression is very telling. I also plan to talk to him about all of these issues. It would suck to be single again, simply for the fact that I’d just have to start over again with some other guy. And I do actually care about Diego.
Every night for the past few weeks, I’ve been asking the Divine for guidance. I didn’t know why, but I still felt very lost. I also didn’t get any guidance. I am thinking about rebooting my project from last year only this time do it without the supplements for depression. We’ll see.