January 5, 2016

I awoke right before my alarm went off, but kept falling back asleep in between snoozes. I had enough time to clean up three days worth of cat pee from my bathroom floor. I was a little disturbed because the floor was dry. I hoped that didn’t mean there was cat pee elsewhere in my apartment. Because I had started smoking again, I really couldn’t smell much. It would be difficult for me to find, if it existed at all.

When I got to the train station, the board announced that my train was running 10 minutes late. It was due to arrive at the same time Diego’s train would. Diego tried to tell me why his train was better. It made more stops so we had longer to talk. He convinced me and I took his train. It wouldn’t make me late to work, I just wouldn’t get there as early. Because the other train was so late, it seemed like many of the people who would normally take Diego’s train took mine instead. The train was very empty and he even shyly stole a kiss, something he usually doesn’t do on the train. He asked if I was smoking again. I told the truth. Then he called me a liar because I said I would stop and I didn’t. I told him I stopped for 4 days. He insisted that I didn’t stop permanently. That was true. I explained that I smoked because I was sad. He told me to stop today. I thought about how many cigarettes I had left, then I thought about the huffing and puffing I did walking up the hill from the train station to my school and considered it. Maybe I would start tomorrow.

I had a very good day at work. I even enjoyed hanging out with my older students today. That’s a sign of a truly great mood. I had a particularly painful period today. Usually I don’t get much in the way of cramps, but today they were bad. I thought about how the problems with Diego started on Saturday and realized in hindsight that it was my one day of depression that I tended to get instead of PMS. I wish my periods were more regular so I could avoid issues like this in the future.

I worked on my book on the train. Even though I wrote much of the material over the course of the year, there was still a lot to go through and a lot of editing. I didn’t always remember the details that I had changed to hide people’s identities, so there were some things that needed to be changed. I’m almost done editing January. I think it’s going to take me a while to finish. And there are the parts that I haven’t yet written, explaining the steps that I took each month. I also want to analyze how I did with each task each month as well as my moods, to see if I am objectively happier now, although I feel like I am.

I also thought about the things I changed in my life for Diego. In the past I had changed many things to be able to spend time with men, like Bryan. I often dropped what I was doing, gave up sleep, and made him the sole focus of my happiness. I thought about Diego. I had given up listening to the morning spirituality readings of Chandra’s on the train so I could spend time with him. But honestly, I just did other stuff pretending to listen to her anyway before I spent time with him. I only gave up sleep the first week or so with him. He needed his sleep as much as I did, something I was grateful for. The only other thing I changed for him was to back out of my New Years plans to spend time with him, but they changed anyway. Of course, I had to give up time because a relationship takes time away that I had used for other things. But because I’m mostly caught up on work, not much has really gone by the wayside, especially because I usually only see him on Friday and Sunday nights, unless I’m off of work. I am actually pretty happy to say that I haven’t had to or felt the need to give too much up to be with him.

Diego got out of work early and texted me. I didn’t arrive until over an hour after he would, but he wanted to wait for me. We didn’t even talk long. He just wanted to see me. He also said I probably had many things to do. He was right about that. My apartment still needed a lot of work and I was behind in my lesson planning. He put off getting out of my car, but not for as long as usual. I was happy in his presence, but not as happy as I had been in the past. My experience had made me cautious with my emotions, I guess. It wasn’t a conscious decision, but it happened.

I was tired when I got home. I had intended to go to bed early, but I ended up planning my lessons for the upcoming week. I felt good having gotten something done that had been weighing on my mind. I texted Diego to wish him a good night and he told me about how many immigrants, those with and without papers, had been deported. He was worried for himself. He told me his paperwork wasn’t finalized, that he needed to wait for court. His paperwork was for politics asylum and that could take awhile. I felt immediately grateful that he hadn’t taken advantage of our misunderstanding and tried to marry me. It really shows what kind of a person he is! Even so, I started to be worried for him, but he told me not to worry.

———————–
Today I gave up nothing that I could think of.

Today I’m grateful for having a good day at work, for the heat after a cold walk, and for not having to deal with the uncertainty of deportment for myself.

I did no kindnesses that I could think of.

I spent 30 minutes in nature.

I spent about $5.75 on parking and $3 on food.

I slept for about 7 hours last night.

I did not meditate today.

I exercised for 30 minutes today.

I did not follow my diet today.

I did not clean or straighten today.

I was not showered and did not brush my teeth today.

I was in a good mood today. My temperament was good.

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2 thoughts on “January 5, 2016

  1. That was really sweet of him! Although it’s never fun to hear others ask us to stop a habit or addiction, he has your best interests at heart. I wish you luck on quitting!

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