January 2, 2016

The following was taken from my journal at the retreat center with only names and details changed:

“I awoke at the retreat center after only 3 hours of sleep and decided to get more sleep instead of doing the 4am meditation. I awoke on my own less than two hours later. I received no divine wisdom as I slept, despite my entreaties to the Divine. There were just the remnants of a dream when I was hanging out with my good friend Zak. I awoke with the same depression that I had when I had closed my eyes the night before.

I was still afraid of being freed (a.k.a. divorced). I was afraid that I would live (and die) alone. I have friends, but they are all attached to the things I do, not to who I am. I was afraid I would never remarry, would never have kids. I wanted to leave the retreat center, to run into Diego’s arms. Then I worried that things with him wouldn’t last. My intuition told me that Diego and I wouldn’t last for the next year, but I hoped that was just my depression talking. Even so, I decided to stay with him nonetheless.

My logic kicked in and I forced myself to stay in the class. If anything could calm me down, it was the wisdom, energy, and meditation that I could get at the retreat center. My logic continued to kick in. I wasn’t just afraid of being alone. It was fear that now that I will be free to pursue various projects, both personal and profitable, although most would have an impact on my finances. I was afraid to fail. I was afraid to succeed and that it wouldn’t make me happy. After all, what difference would a divorce make with someone I knew I could not live with?”

When I drove home from the retreat center, I was feeling serene, with a sense of peacefulness about my divorced future. It was my fourth day without a cigarette and I was doing pretty well with it. I managed to do a few things when I got home, then met up with Diego. This time I requested that we have sex before our date. As I was lying in his arms, we ended up wrestling in a silly way that resulted in us both being breathless with laughter.

Then I told Diego about my impending divorce. He was happy that I’d soon be free. He said that was why he was never getting married. Wait, what!? He saw my face immediately change and asked what was wrong. I went to the bathroom to cry. When I came back, he insisted on knowing what was wrong. I thought about how to explain it without sounding like I expected him to propose to me soon. I did well enough and he seemed to not be frightened off by what I said. He went on to say that he wasn’t capable of love because of his messed up childhood. I told him that he loved me. He said he didn’t. I told him about when he said he loved me in English. His translator had mistranslated “Yo quiero mucho”, which means “I like you a lot” to “I love you”, which he said to me every so often. I started to cry. He told me he couldn’t love the mother of his children, which was why he never married her. I asked him why he wanted to be my boyfriend. He said it’s different in his culture. It just meant he wanted to spend time with me and get to know me better. He suggested that maybe we should just be friends because he didn’t want it to go for longer and result in me being even more hurt. I asked him if I wanted him to still be my boyfriend, would he still want that. He said yes, but that he was afraid that I’d be hurt more in the future due to his inability to love anyone. He has a lot of fear tied up with love and marriage. So do I. I told him so, but that I don’t let my fear keep me from finding someone to marry and have kids with, despite the pain associated with that journey.

I told him that I needed time to think and that I would let him know what I decided. I also told him that he had some thinking to do. If he thinks he may be capable of love, then I would be his girlfriend again so he could try and see if he could love me. During this whole exchange, I was crying and his arm was around me. Sometimes he hugged me and gave me brief kisses on the lips. When he left, he hugged me goodbye, kissed me on the lips and said, “Take care sweetie.”

I knew I needed time to think and decide what to do. As soon as he left, I picked up a pack of cigarettes. The cashier/owner of the gas station saw the pain on my face and asked if I’d be okay. I said I would. I paid for the cigarettes, tears running down my face. I blurted out that I had just been dumped by my boyfriend. He laid his hand on mine as I reached for the cigarettes and told me to take care of myself.

When I got home, I texted Kevin and told him the whole thing. He said that Diego clearly cares about me a lot, by the manner of the breakup. I texted Diego asking if he would let me know when he knew if he was capable of loving someone. By his reply, he didn’t seem to think he would ever know. I asked if he wanted to be with me. After another text where he expressed his concern about my pain, he asked to be friends with benefits until he figures things out. I told him no. I said that I had too many feelings for him to be friends with benefits with him. I told him that either we date or nothing and asked which he preferred. After many more concerned texts about not wanting to get my hopes up and how he didn’t want me to fall more for him and hurt even more, I was able to get out of him that he wanted to be my boyfriend, but that he was concerned about my feelings. I told him to let me worry about my feelings because I hadn’t decided what I wanted to do yet. He asked me if I wanted to be with him. I said yes, and restated that I needed to decide if it was worth the probable pain that it would cause. I said I would let him know when I decided. Then he started with the words of endearment, starting with “corozon”. He wished me a good night, a restful one, apologized again for making me sad, told me that I was a beautiful person, and wished that I would sleep with the angels tonight.

Kevin said that it was rare to see someone who actually cares enough about my feelings. That he would sacrifice being with me with no other motive than to protect my feelings. He suggested that this showed that he did care. He also, very wisely, said that I should take a step back from Diego for awhile. I initially thought it was just to give me time to avoid being emotional in my decision-making, but he stated that it will give Diego time to discover his feelings for me, if he has them. This seemed like a very good idea. Then I debated whether or not I wanted to see Diego on Monday at the train station. At first, I felt like I would have no choice. Diego seemed confident that he would see me on Monday when we parted. Then I realized that there’s another train station about the same distance from my house. If I got on the train at the other station, I may be able to avoid seeing Diego. If he happened to get on the same car or walk the length of the train looking for me, it wouldn’t work. But if he doesn’t see me at the station, I’d be willing to bet that he wouldn’t take my usual train. Before we started dating, he took the train after mine. Hopefully, he’ll do that again, giving me time.

Honestly, I love Kevin’s advice for another reason. Yes, it contains wisdom, but it also buys me some time. I don’t actually know how to act in this situation. There are good arguments both for and against staying with him. Waiting to see how Diego reacts to some time spent apart may tip the scale in favor of one option or the other. Please feel free to leave any advice you have in the comments section. I do value your wisdom and your opinions, especially when it causes me to contemplate ideas I had not previously thought to contemplate.

Today I gave up on quitting smoking in favor of dulling my mood..

Today I’m grateful for being able to pull myself out of my first depression today, for a calm sense of peacefulness, and for the wisdom to wait to decide what to do about Diego.

I did no kindnesses that I could think of.

I spent no time in nature.

I spent about $5 on food and $12 on cigarettes.

I slept for about 4.5 hours last night.

I meditated for 30 minutes today.

I did not exercise today.

I did not follow my diet today.

I did not clean or straighten today.

I was showered and brushed my teeth today.

I started the day in a depression, pulled myself out of it to a calm contentment, then followed by the pain of a breakup. My temperament was good.


2 thoughts on “January 2, 2016

  1. Hang in there. Take your time and when you are ready, you can contact him again. I think he behaved very honorably in telling you what was going on for him without stringing you along. I don’t think it’s true that he can’t ever love anyone. When the right person comes along, he’ll open his heart. Maybe the right person is you. 🙂 In any case, a brief period of separation may help both of you clarify how much you care for each other and where the relationship is headed.

    • Thank you for the kind words. I hope you are right. He already contacted me a few times today, so it’s only a hypothetical separation. I’ll write about it later.

      I posted the URL for a fake Facebook account. I hope you will add me as a friend.

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