January 1, 2016

I know I said I would stop writing after the year was over, but I just had such an eventful day that I needed to share it. Maybe I’m not ready to give up this blog quite yet. Maybe I just wanted to continue for the month of January to compare it with last year. But I think I will continue for a while longer, at least until the end of the month.

I awoke in Diego’s arms, marveling at how I still love the feel of his skin against mine. We had morning sex, then we kissed each other goodbye with plans to spend time together again on Saturday. It was like everything that was said between us the day before didn’t happen or was completely forgiven or something.

I packed and left for the retreat center. The retreat had actually started the night before, but I had initially had other plans. When I got there, the teacher of the first class I attended said something really powerful that reminded me of my conversation with Diego yesterday. It was that when someone says something that she does not agree with, she resists it so she can preserve her respect for them. She went on to say how illogical that was. I realized that I had done the same thing with Diego the night before. She recommended doing a brief meditation. I thought about it. I cannot control what other people think. Its rare that an argument actually changed someone’s mind. So I was arguing because what was said made me feel icky inside. But what could I do? Just decide that how they feel is okay even if I don’t think it’s right? Lose my respect for them? Or just remember that we’re all doing the best in this world with the things life has thrown at us? Or just let it go? Could I actually let something that seems so wrong go?

I went for a hike with my roommate. We talked a lot and had many things in common, including our man issues and our ticking biological clocks. She lives very close to the school I work at. She had to work in the morning, so she left early. We exchanged contact information before she went.

After a full day of classes and meditations, I went back to my room and checked my phone. I couldn’t believe it. I had a text from my ex-husband. He wanted to know my address because he had not only gotten the paperwork for the divorce together, but he was going to pay for it all too! I was super excited! I couldn’t wait to have my last name back. I couldn’t wait to be free! Free was a little bit scary too. What if I never meet anyone who wants to marry me again? What if I’m doomed to wander the earth alone and childless forever? Well, at least I’ll be rid of him. I was mostly excited, but I was a tiny bit scared too. The scared feeling grew and I started to get depressed. I stayed up much later than anticipated. Before I forced myself to go to sleep, I begged every God I could think of to give me some wisdom as I slept.

Today I gave up my anger at differing opinions, kind of.

Today I’m grateful for learning new wisdom, a chance to meditate in a beautiful place full of good energy, and a chance to contemplate.

I did no kindnesses that I could think of.

I spent about an hour in nature.

I spent $22 on gas, $2 on tolls, and about $15 on food.

I slept for about 8 hours last night.

I meditated a lot today, maybe for 2 hours.

I hiked for about an hour today.

I did not follow my diet today.

I did not clean or straighten today.

I was showered and brushed my teeth today.

I was mostly in a good mood today, except for my depression at the end of the night. My temperament was good.


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