December 31, 2015

I slept on my sister’s couch and woke up early, so I caught up on some of my past blog posts.  I was feeling particularly lazy today, so I went back to sleep again after about 45 minutes of writing.  When I woke up again, I was still the only one awake, so I worked more on my blog posts.  I stayed at my sister’s house until about noon, then I left to drive home.

I was almost home after four hours of driving when Diego texted me.  He asked me to pick him up on my way home. I knew my apartment would be bad, stinking of cat urine and possible vomit.  But Diego knew this.  He said he wanted to have sex with me before we went out to eat.  After bringing everything inside and cleaning up, we did have sex.

We went out to eat at a different restaurant about a half hour away.  Our waitress was horrible.  There was a bus boy who was much better and more reliable, so we started making our requests to him instead.  Diego started talking about how men are stronger and that’s why he was better at his job.  I was instantly angered by this assertion. He insisted that men were stronger than women and that’s why this bus boy did his job better.  It’s been my experience at many restaurants that the women usually did better at their jobs than the men, but he went off talking about how men have stronger upper bodies so they can do construction better.  I told him women have stronger lower bodies, but he said that wouldn’t help them with construction. I had to concede his point.  I told him that I was mad because he insinuated that men were better than women.  He said they weren’t better, only stronger.  He said that each sex had things they were better at. I thought it was an overgeneralization, but let it go.

In the car on the way home, homosexuality came up again.  He said he didn’t care what other people do, but that it’s not right. That seemed contradictory.  He said its not right because they couldn’t have a family.  I said they could always adopt, get a sperm donor, or a surrogate. I also said that not everybody wanted a family. He said that he did, that he wanted a wife and kids someday.    If the pain wasn’t welling up in my chest, I would have been pleased with the fact that he was interested in those things one day.

The topic changed a few more times, then settled on relationships.  Diego stated that if the woman ever did something wrong, there would be no yelling, he would not try and fix it, that he would just leave. The pain in my chest increased. I wanted a cigarette badly.  I knew now that things wouldn’t last long with him, and that made me sad. I successfully managed to hold back my tears. I turned on some music and sang along loudly. I partly needed to vent my feelings in song and I partly wanted to drown out any other words he might say.

When we arrived at my apartment, he knew something was wrong. I verified that he had meant what he said about relationships.  I told him that we might as well break up now because I’m not perfect and one day I will make a mistake.  I said that I might as well end it now to prevent as much heartbreak as I could.  He looked at me, eyes welling up with tears, and said if that’s what I wanted then it was over.  I walked to my bedroom so I could cry alone.  All I could think was how things were coming full circle.  I thought about being dumped on New Years Day last year and now things with Diego were going to end.  I somehow knew that although it would hurt, I would manage the pain better than I did last year.  Diego followed me into the bedroom and put his arm around me while I cried.  Eventually, he started talking about his past relationships.  They had been few and turbulent.  He said all of his ex-girlfriends yelled at him and started a lot of arguments.  I told him about how all of my exes ignored me and lost interest in the end.  Eventually Diego kissed me.  We kissed and held each other for a long time.  Midnight passed and we kissed again.  Eventually, the kissing led to sex.  I fell asleep in his arms.

Today I gave up my relationship, then I gave up giving up on my relationship with Diego.

Today I’m grateful for standing my ground with issues, a safe and beautiful drive home, and my cats.

I did no kindnesses that I could think of.

I spent no time in nature today.

I spent $22 on gas, $2 on tolls, and about $15 on food.

I slept for about 8 hours last night.

I did not meditate today.

I did not exercise today.

I did not follow my diet today.

I cleaned but did not straighten today.

I was showered and brushed my teeth today.

I was mostly in a good mood today, except for my painful moments with Diego. My temperament was good.


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