Unearthing Happiness

I have managed to get a website, facebook profile, and facebook group dedicated to my project of helping others achieve what I have achieved. They’re still a work in progress, so please let me know if you have any suggestions.  Yes, I still have a ways to go in my self-development, but hopefully we’ll get there together!  Even if you’re not interested in the website or the group, anyone who would like to connect with me on a more personal level is welcome to add me as their facebook friend.

I also wanted to say thank you to all of my readers.  Since yesterday and today have been really tough for me emotionally, it really helps a lot to know that you’re there and reading (and hopefully empathizing) with me and my weird little life.

January 2, 2016

The following was taken from my journal at the retreat center with only names and details changed:

“I awoke at the retreat center after only 3 hours of sleep and decided to get more sleep instead of doing the 4am meditation. I awoke on my own less than two hours later. I received no divine wisdom as I slept, despite my entreaties to the Divine. There were just the remnants of a dream when I was hanging out with my good friend Zak. I awoke with the same depression that I had when I had closed my eyes the night before.

I was still afraid of being freed (a.k.a. divorced). I was afraid that I would live (and die) alone. I have friends, but they are all attached to the things I do, not to who I am. I was afraid I would never remarry, would never have kids. I wanted to leave the retreat center, to run into Diego’s arms. Then I worried that things with him wouldn’t last. My intuition told me that Diego and I wouldn’t last for the next year, but I hoped that was just my depression talking. Even so, I decided to stay with him nonetheless.

My logic kicked in and I forced myself to stay in the class. If anything could calm me down, it was the wisdom, energy, and meditation that I could get at the retreat center. My logic continued to kick in. I wasn’t just afraid of being alone. It was fear that now that I will be free to pursue various projects, both personal and profitable, although most would have an impact on my finances. I was afraid to fail. I was afraid to succeed and that it wouldn’t make me happy. After all, what difference would a divorce make with someone I knew I could not live with?”

When I drove home from the retreat center, I was feeling serene, with a sense of peacefulness about my divorced future. It was my fourth day without a cigarette and I was doing pretty well with it. I managed to do a few things when I got home, then met up with Diego. This time I requested that we have sex before our date. As I was lying in his arms, we ended up wrestling in a silly way that resulted in us both being breathless with laughter.

Then I told Diego about my impending divorce. He was happy that I’d soon be free. He said that was why he was never getting married. Wait, what!? He saw my face immediately change and asked what was wrong. I went to the bathroom to cry. When I came back, he insisted on knowing what was wrong. I thought about how to explain it without sounding like I expected him to propose to me soon. I did well enough and he seemed to not be frightened off by what I said. He went on to say that he wasn’t capable of love because of his messed up childhood. I told him that he loved me. He said he didn’t. I told him about when he said he loved me in English. His translator had mistranslated “Yo quiero mucho”, which means “I like you a lot” to “I love you”, which he said to me every so often. I started to cry. He told me he couldn’t love the mother of his children, which was why he never married her. I asked him why he wanted to be my boyfriend. He said it’s different in his culture. It just meant he wanted to spend time with me and get to know me better. He suggested that maybe we should just be friends because he didn’t want it to go for longer and result in me being even more hurt. I asked him if I wanted him to still be my boyfriend, would he still want that. He said yes, but that he was afraid that I’d be hurt more in the future due to his inability to love anyone. He has a lot of fear tied up with love and marriage. So do I. I told him so, but that I don’t let my fear keep me from finding someone to marry and have kids with, despite the pain associated with that journey.

I told him that I needed time to think and that I would let him know what I decided. I also told him that he had some thinking to do. If he thinks he may be capable of love, then I would be his girlfriend again so he could try and see if he could love me. During this whole exchange, I was crying and his arm was around me. Sometimes he hugged me and gave me brief kisses on the lips. When he left, he hugged me goodbye, kissed me on the lips and said, “Take care sweetie.”

I knew I needed time to think and decide what to do. As soon as he left, I picked up a pack of cigarettes. The cashier/owner of the gas station saw the pain on my face and asked if I’d be okay. I said I would. I paid for the cigarettes, tears running down my face. I blurted out that I had just been dumped by my boyfriend. He laid his hand on mine as I reached for the cigarettes and told me to take care of myself.

When I got home, I texted Kevin and told him the whole thing. He said that Diego clearly cares about me a lot, by the manner of the breakup. I texted Diego asking if he would let me know when he knew if he was capable of loving someone. By his reply, he didn’t seem to think he would ever know. I asked if he wanted to be with me. After another text where he expressed his concern about my pain, he asked to be friends with benefits until he figures things out. I told him no. I said that I had too many feelings for him to be friends with benefits with him. I told him that either we date or nothing and asked which he preferred. After many more concerned texts about not wanting to get my hopes up and how he didn’t want me to fall more for him and hurt even more, I was able to get out of him that he wanted to be my boyfriend, but that he was concerned about my feelings. I told him to let me worry about my feelings because I hadn’t decided what I wanted to do yet. He asked me if I wanted to be with him. I said yes, and restated that I needed to decide if it was worth the probable pain that it would cause. I said I would let him know when I decided. Then he started with the words of endearment, starting with “corozon”. He wished me a good night, a restful one, apologized again for making me sad, told me that I was a beautiful person, and wished that I would sleep with the angels tonight.

Kevin said that it was rare to see someone who actually cares enough about my feelings. That he would sacrifice being with me with no other motive than to protect my feelings. He suggested that this showed that he did care. He also, very wisely, said that I should take a step back from Diego for awhile. I initially thought it was just to give me time to avoid being emotional in my decision-making, but he stated that it will give Diego time to discover his feelings for me, if he has them. This seemed like a very good idea. Then I debated whether or not I wanted to see Diego on Monday at the train station. At first, I felt like I would have no choice. Diego seemed confident that he would see me on Monday when we parted. Then I realized that there’s another train station about the same distance from my house. If I got on the train at the other station, I may be able to avoid seeing Diego. If he happened to get on the same car or walk the length of the train looking for me, it wouldn’t work. But if he doesn’t see me at the station, I’d be willing to bet that he wouldn’t take my usual train. Before we started dating, he took the train after mine. Hopefully, he’ll do that again, giving me time.

Honestly, I love Kevin’s advice for another reason. Yes, it contains wisdom, but it also buys me some time. I don’t actually know how to act in this situation. There are good arguments both for and against staying with him. Waiting to see how Diego reacts to some time spent apart may tip the scale in favor of one option or the other. Please feel free to leave any advice you have in the comments section. I do value your wisdom and your opinions, especially when it causes me to contemplate ideas I had not previously thought to contemplate.

———————–
Today I gave up on quitting smoking in favor of dulling my mood..

Today I’m grateful for being able to pull myself out of my first depression today, for a calm sense of peacefulness, and for the wisdom to wait to decide what to do about Diego.

I did no kindnesses that I could think of.

I spent no time in nature.

I spent about $5 on food and $12 on cigarettes.

I slept for about 4.5 hours last night.

I meditated for 30 minutes today.

I did not exercise today.

I did not follow my diet today.

I did not clean or straighten today.

I was showered and brushed my teeth today.

I started the day in a depression, pulled myself out of it to a calm contentment, then followed by the pain of a breakup. My temperament was good.

January 1, 2016

I know I said I would stop writing after the year was over, but I just had such an eventful day that I needed to share it. Maybe I’m not ready to give up this blog quite yet. Maybe I just wanted to continue for the month of January to compare it with last year. But I think I will continue for a while longer, at least until the end of the month.

I awoke in Diego’s arms, marveling at how I still love the feel of his skin against mine. We had morning sex, then we kissed each other goodbye with plans to spend time together again on Saturday. It was like everything that was said between us the day before didn’t happen or was completely forgiven or something.

I packed and left for the retreat center. The retreat had actually started the night before, but I had initially had other plans. When I got there, the teacher of the first class I attended said something really powerful that reminded me of my conversation with Diego yesterday. It was that when someone says something that she does not agree with, she resists it so she can preserve her respect for them. She went on to say how illogical that was. I realized that I had done the same thing with Diego the night before. She recommended doing a brief meditation. I thought about it. I cannot control what other people think. Its rare that an argument actually changed someone’s mind. So I was arguing because what was said made me feel icky inside. But what could I do? Just decide that how they feel is okay even if I don’t think it’s right? Lose my respect for them? Or just remember that we’re all doing the best in this world with the things life has thrown at us? Or just let it go? Could I actually let something that seems so wrong go?

I went for a hike with my roommate. We talked a lot and had many things in common, including our man issues and our ticking biological clocks. She lives very close to the school I work at. She had to work in the morning, so she left early. We exchanged contact information before she went.

After a full day of classes and meditations, I went back to my room and checked my phone. I couldn’t believe it. I had a text from my ex-husband. He wanted to know my address because he had not only gotten the paperwork for the divorce together, but he was going to pay for it all too! I was super excited! I couldn’t wait to have my last name back. I couldn’t wait to be free! Free was a little bit scary too. What if I never meet anyone who wants to marry me again? What if I’m doomed to wander the earth alone and childless forever? Well, at least I’ll be rid of him. I was mostly excited, but I was a tiny bit scared too. The scared feeling grew and I started to get depressed. I stayed up much later than anticipated. Before I forced myself to go to sleep, I begged every God I could think of to give me some wisdom as I slept.

———————–
Today I gave up my anger at differing opinions, kind of.

Today I’m grateful for learning new wisdom, a chance to meditate in a beautiful place full of good energy, and a chance to contemplate.

I did no kindnesses that I could think of.

I spent about an hour in nature.

I spent $22 on gas, $2 on tolls, and about $15 on food.

I slept for about 8 hours last night.

I meditated a lot today, maybe for 2 hours.

I hiked for about an hour today.

I did not follow my diet today.

I did not clean or straighten today.

I was showered and brushed my teeth today.

I was mostly in a good mood today, except for my depression at the end of the night. My temperament was good.

December 31, 2015

I slept on my sister’s couch and woke up early, so I caught up on some of my past blog posts.  I was feeling particularly lazy today, so I went back to sleep again after about 45 minutes of writing.  When I woke up again, I was still the only one awake, so I worked more on my blog posts.  I stayed at my sister’s house until about noon, then I left to drive home.

I was almost home after four hours of driving when Diego texted me.  He asked me to pick him up on my way home. I knew my apartment would be bad, stinking of cat urine and possible vomit.  But Diego knew this.  He said he wanted to have sex with me before we went out to eat.  After bringing everything inside and cleaning up, we did have sex.

We went out to eat at a different restaurant about a half hour away.  Our waitress was horrible.  There was a bus boy who was much better and more reliable, so we started making our requests to him instead.  Diego started talking about how men are stronger and that’s why he was better at his job.  I was instantly angered by this assertion. He insisted that men were stronger than women and that’s why this bus boy did his job better.  It’s been my experience at many restaurants that the women usually did better at their jobs than the men, but he went off talking about how men have stronger upper bodies so they can do construction better.  I told him women have stronger lower bodies, but he said that wouldn’t help them with construction. I had to concede his point.  I told him that I was mad because he insinuated that men were better than women.  He said they weren’t better, only stronger.  He said that each sex had things they were better at. I thought it was an overgeneralization, but let it go.

In the car on the way home, homosexuality came up again.  He said he didn’t care what other people do, but that it’s not right. That seemed contradictory.  He said its not right because they couldn’t have a family.  I said they could always adopt, get a sperm donor, or a surrogate. I also said that not everybody wanted a family. He said that he did, that he wanted a wife and kids someday.    If the pain wasn’t welling up in my chest, I would have been pleased with the fact that he was interested in those things one day.

The topic changed a few more times, then settled on relationships.  Diego stated that if the woman ever did something wrong, there would be no yelling, he would not try and fix it, that he would just leave. The pain in my chest increased. I wanted a cigarette badly.  I knew now that things wouldn’t last long with him, and that made me sad. I successfully managed to hold back my tears. I turned on some music and sang along loudly. I partly needed to vent my feelings in song and I partly wanted to drown out any other words he might say.

When we arrived at my apartment, he knew something was wrong. I verified that he had meant what he said about relationships.  I told him that we might as well break up now because I’m not perfect and one day I will make a mistake.  I said that I might as well end it now to prevent as much heartbreak as I could.  He looked at me, eyes welling up with tears, and said if that’s what I wanted then it was over.  I walked to my bedroom so I could cry alone.  All I could think was how things were coming full circle.  I thought about being dumped on New Years Day last year and now things with Diego were going to end.  I somehow knew that although it would hurt, I would manage the pain better than I did last year.  Diego followed me into the bedroom and put his arm around me while I cried.  Eventually, he started talking about his past relationships.  They had been few and turbulent.  He said all of his ex-girlfriends yelled at him and started a lot of arguments.  I told him about how all of my exes ignored me and lost interest in the end.  Eventually Diego kissed me.  We kissed and held each other for a long time.  Midnight passed and we kissed again.  Eventually, the kissing led to sex.  I fell asleep in his arms.

———————–
Today I gave up my relationship, then I gave up giving up on my relationship with Diego.

Today I’m grateful for standing my ground with issues, a safe and beautiful drive home, and my cats.

I did no kindnesses that I could think of.

I spent no time in nature today.

I spent $22 on gas, $2 on tolls, and about $15 on food.

I slept for about 8 hours last night.

I did not meditate today.

I did not exercise today.

I did not follow my diet today.

I cleaned but did not straighten today.

I was showered and brushed my teeth today.

I was mostly in a good mood today, except for my painful moments with Diego. My temperament was good.