December 29, 2015

I had a goal of continuing to try to get things done today. When I awoke, I started early. I did dishes, cleaned up after my cats, straightened up, attempted to meditate, sent some work emails, and watered my plants.

I also wrote a blog post asking my readers some questions about their preferences for the future of this blog. I had asked for comments with their opinion. I think that it was the only time I had ever asked for comments. I received several likes, but was disappointed that only two people commented.

It was freezing rain outside and I was waiting until it let up before visiting my youngest sister. I also exercised. I bought one of those women’s magazines and tried to follow the workout within, but only managed to get halfway through before having to stop. I know I put on weight a while ago, but when did I get so it off shape? I resolved to keep doing it until I got better at it.

Finally the freezing rain turned into train and I went to go visit my sister. We exchanged presents and I was very pleased to see that her daughter played with her present right away! It was good getting to spend time with them, and my little niece.

While I was there, I read a lengthy comment from Chrysalis. My blog was praised, I was told that this blog was relatable, and that if we lived closer, we’d probably be friends. That meant a lot to me. I also appreciated the many compliments to my character and my progress throughout the year. I continued reading and my relationships were criticized. I understood it, and agreed with a lot of what was said. I tried to reply, but I was at my sister’s house and I don’t think I explained the relationships portion fully. I wanted to address that here.

Sometime in August or September, I realized my problem with relationships. I felt the need for a man in my life to be complete. It was likely because I didn’t have a father who was around much growing up. So I did the hardest thing I could think of and gave up dating for a while. It was especially difficult because I wanted kids and my biological clock was ticking. By the end of the first month, I had almost convinced myself that I didn’t want to date anyone. By the second month, I had convinced myself and was actually happy being single. I even wondered how I would find the time to fit in a boyfriend. Then I found myself become increasingly sexually attracted to Juan, who was married. I prayed for a guy so I didn’t end up sleeping with Juan. Then Diego showed up and asked me out.

I didn’t like Diego at first. Mainly because Juan had told me that Diego didn’t like me and my pride was hurt. I couldn’t figure out why Diego asked me out if he didn’t like me, but I mainly said yes to distract me from Juan. As soon as Diego walked into the restaurant on our first date, I realized that he did like me. He had dressed up, cleaned up, and looked better than I had ever seen him. I went through a number of doubts with him, and still do. I write about then less now, I guess. There are moments when I wonder what I’m doing with him, whether I really love him, etc. I chalked it up to trust issues because I had been hurt so many times. In the past it didn’t help that I tended to fall hard and fast. With Diego, I did not fall hard. I fell in fits and starts. And there were even times when I still wonder about us.

Then, in the comment, Diego’s religious rigidity and insistence on sex were brought up. I agreed that his religious views might be a problem in the future. And while I mostly like his insistence on sex, I could see how it may also cause problems in the future, even though when I give him a firm “no”, he honors it.

On my two hour drive home from my sisters house, I thought about all of this and got depressed. Because of that, I finished my pack of cigarettes, telling myself that I was going to quit again tomorrow. I wondered if maybe our cultural differences were too great, if I was losing myself in him, if he would ever even want to settle down and have kids with me. Even so, whenever I tried to think about his flaws, I really couldn’t find much except for the religious issue and the fact that he may not want to settle down.

When I got home, I texted with Diego a bit, but my heart wasn’t in it. He then placed a video call where he requested to see several body parts. I told him I was too cold, which it was. I also think that I was too worried about losing myself that I wanted to tell him no for the sake of telling him no. I told him I would try to quit smoking again tomorrow. He called me a liar and said I wouldn’t do it. If he didn’t understand the perversity of my nature, he had fantastic instincts. I resolved to prove him wrong the next day.

When we hung up, I felt very confused about things with him. I prayed for some guidance when I slept. Then I drifted off to sleep.
Today I gave up my confusion about my relationship.

Today I’m grateful for seeing my youngest sister and her family, giving a good present, and having many people like my blog post.

I was content with the gifts I was given, even though my sister was worried because they spent much less than I did.

I spent no time in nature today.

I spent $22 on gas

I slept for about 8 hours last night.

I meditated for 10 minutes today.

I exercised today.

I did not follow my diet today.

I cleaned but did not straighten today.

I did not shower or brush my teeth today.

I was mostly in a good mood today, excepting my evening depression depression. My temperament was good.


2 thoughts on “December 29, 2015

  1. Hello. I was sad to read from your later posts that my comment caused you to feel upset. Please believe that it was never my intention to hurt you in any way. I was only offering an observation, and no judgment was intended at all. You said in your blog that you felt that I criticized your relationships. This is not so. I never intend to criticize you or the people you are in relationships with. What I wanted to offer was a different point of view. I am curious about why you took this as criticism. Something to remember when defensiveness comes up is to take a moment to check and see if there really is something that needs defending.

    Also please remember that everything I say is filtered through the lens of my own experiences and may not apply in your case. Let me try to explain myself further – I said that I related to a lot of what you write about. This is particularly the case with relationships and having an emotionally abusive mother. I went through my late teens and twenties not really knowing what I was worth and clinging to anyone who showed any interest in me. Because of this, I had to go through half a dozen assholes who took advantage of this and half a dozen really good guys who were scared off by how dependent upon their opinion I seemed to be before through a lot of work on myself and through the happy chance of finding a patient partner, I have been able to stay stable in my esteem of myself and create boundaries of how I will allow others to treat me. I am now more sensitive to anything that I perceive to be controlling behavior or “losing oneself” to a relationship.

    I am very sorry that you felt that I was slighting Diego in my comment. But remember, my observation about Diego is not a character assassination. Plenty of really nice guys are rigid about things. It isn’t really about his rigidity of ideology – which is really common amongst people who are very devout. It is more an observation you – about your readiness to accept love and make accommodations for others with selflessness that might cause more heartbreak when heartbreak happens. Setting good boundaries is important when you are dealing with people who will take advantage of you – but is equally important to do with people who are good. This I think is an area of growth for you – not just in romantic relationships. Another example is Chandra – she seems like a very giving, loving person, but unwittingly takes advantage of your time because although you try to “avoid” spending hours doing her work, you avoid telling her gently and clearly that it is too much work to give to you. Please remember that I say that this is an “area of growth” rather than something “negative” about you. You clearly do this from the best of intentions, but it causes inconvenience or hurt for you. I have done this too – my friends are not bad people – they just don’t know how I feel unless I set a clear boundary.

    So, I guess what I am saying in a long winded way is that my intention was never to criticize you or Diego – you will notice in my initial comment, I actually said that he seems to be quite a wonderful person, and said that I admire your motivation and growth also. I am sorry once again that my previous comment caused you pain. I hope this comment clears it up. If this comment causes you sadness also, I am very very sorry for it. I don’t intend to criticize at all – just to offer another point of view. If it is helpful to you, you may choose to do something with it. If it does not apply to you, you don’t have to accept it. I am not an expert on you – you are. I trust that you will make good decisions for yourself. I have read about you doing that all of last year in a multitude of ways. Happy new year!

    • I perhaps was a bit hasty using the phrase “criticized”. All I meant was that it caused me to contemplate things. And they were things that I needed to contemplate. I will be continuing my blog, at least for yesterday and today because many things happened and I’m glad that I did contemplate things with Diego. I have you to thank for that. Contemplation sometimes causes pain, but that also how we grow.

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