I had a goal of continuing to try to get things done today. When I awoke, I started early. I did dishes, cleaned up after my cats, straightened up, attempted to meditate, sent some work emails, and watered my plants.
I also wrote a blog post asking my readers some questions about their preferences for the future of this blog. I had asked for comments with their opinion. I think that it was the only time I had ever asked for comments. I received several likes, but was disappointed that only two people commented.
It was freezing rain outside and I was waiting until it let up before visiting my youngest sister. I also exercised. I bought one of those women’s magazines and tried to follow the workout within, but only managed to get halfway through before having to stop. I know I put on weight a while ago, but when did I get so it off shape? I resolved to keep doing it until I got better at it.
Finally the freezing rain turned into train and I went to go visit my sister. We exchanged presents and I was very pleased to see that her daughter played with her present right away! It was good getting to spend time with them, and my little niece.
While I was there, I read a lengthy comment from Chrysalis. My blog was praised, I was told that this blog was relatable, and that if we lived closer, we’d probably be friends. That meant a lot to me. I also appreciated the many compliments to my character and my progress throughout the year. I continued reading and my relationships were criticized. I understood it, and agreed with a lot of what was said. I tried to reply, but I was at my sister’s house and I don’t think I explained the relationships portion fully. I wanted to address that here.
Sometime in August or September, I realized my problem with relationships. I felt the need for a man in my life to be complete. It was likely because I didn’t have a father who was around much growing up. So I did the hardest thing I could think of and gave up dating for a while. It was especially difficult because I wanted kids and my biological clock was ticking. By the end of the first month, I had almost convinced myself that I didn’t want to date anyone. By the second month, I had convinced myself and was actually happy being single. I even wondered how I would find the time to fit in a boyfriend. Then I found myself become increasingly sexually attracted to Juan, who was married. I prayed for a guy so I didn’t end up sleeping with Juan. Then Diego showed up and asked me out.
I didn’t like Diego at first. Mainly because Juan had told me that Diego didn’t like me and my pride was hurt. I couldn’t figure out why Diego asked me out if he didn’t like me, but I mainly said yes to distract me from Juan. As soon as Diego walked into the restaurant on our first date, I realized that he did like me. He had dressed up, cleaned up, and looked better than I had ever seen him. I went through a number of doubts with him, and still do. I write about then less now, I guess. There are moments when I wonder what I’m doing with him, whether I really love him, etc. I chalked it up to trust issues because I had been hurt so many times. In the past it didn’t help that I tended to fall hard and fast. With Diego, I did not fall hard. I fell in fits and starts. And there were even times when I still wonder about us.
Then, in the comment, Diego’s religious rigidity and insistence on sex were brought up. I agreed that his religious views might be a problem in the future. And while I mostly like his insistence on sex, I could see how it may also cause problems in the future, even though when I give him a firm “no”, he honors it.
On my two hour drive home from my sisters house, I thought about all of this and got depressed. Because of that, I finished my pack of cigarettes, telling myself that I was going to quit again tomorrow. I wondered if maybe our cultural differences were too great, if I was losing myself in him, if he would ever even want to settle down and have kids with me. Even so, whenever I tried to think about his flaws, I really couldn’t find much except for the religious issue and the fact that he may not want to settle down.
When I got home, I texted with Diego a bit, but my heart wasn’t in it. He then placed a video call where he requested to see several body parts. I told him I was too cold, which it was. I also think that I was too worried about losing myself that I wanted to tell him no for the sake of telling him no. I told him I would try to quit smoking again tomorrow. He called me a liar and said I wouldn’t do it. If he didn’t understand the perversity of my nature, he had fantastic instincts. I resolved to prove him wrong the next day.
When we hung up, I felt very confused about things with him. I prayed for some guidance when I slept. Then I drifted off to sleep.
Today I gave up my confusion about my relationship.
Today I’m grateful for seeing my youngest sister and her family, giving a good present, and having many people like my blog post.
I was content with the gifts I was given, even though my sister was worried because they spent much less than I did.
I spent no time in nature today.
I spent $22 on gas
I slept for about 8 hours last night.
I meditated for 10 minutes today.
I exercised today.
I did not follow my diet today.
I cleaned but did not straighten today.
I did not shower or brush my teeth today.
I was mostly in a good mood today, excepting my evening depression depression. My temperament was good.