December 27, 2015

I hit the snooze button for over an hour before I forced myself to get up. I barely had time to get dressed and feed the cats before I left to meet my father for breakfast. Although I expressed my interest in sending more time with him, they already had plans to spend all of Saturday with my stepsister. I didn’t see how they couldn’t fit me in or invite me to join them. I’m not going to lie, I was a bit hurt. They suggested breakfast at 7am because they were driving back home early in the morning.

I got there and we ate. The conversation seemed strained. Every time I mentioned Diego, they had absolutely no comment and there was just an awkward silence as they came up with a change of topic. There wasn’t much else new in my life to talk about since my job seems to be basically the same thing every year. It’s pretty subtle, but I’m starting to think that they were just going through the motions and they really didn’t care about me. They liked to buy me things, but didn’t have much of an interest in spending time with me. To be fair, my father was pretty absent during my childhood, mostly to avoid my mother. Then after my parents split up, he went through a second adolescence and we spent a lot of time drinking together. Then he got married and I entered the working world several hours away. I suppose I never really got to know him. My stepmom always seemed so nice and sweet, but given that they did something similar to one of my sisters, blowing her off too to spend time with my stepsister, maybe she wasn’t so nice. Maybe I should stop having illusions about my relationship with my dad and not get emotional about it.

Afterwards, I went to Chandra’s house. We meditated and I helped her with a few things. She also gave me a gift. I felt bad that I didn’t have anything for her. I resolved to make her something, but I didn’t know quite what. It felt good to meditate for so long again. It also felt good to help her.

When I got home, I had a conference call with my weight loss group. Then I straightened up and cleaned my apartment. It wasn’t perfect, but it was comparatively better than what it was after so much neglect. I was paying my bills and realized I hadn’t heard from Diego. It was already 3:30 and I hadn’t heard from him. When he responded, I told him I needed to shower then we’d get together.

Once I saw him, it became clear that I had misunderstood something that he wrote yesterday. I was supposed to contact him when I was ready to hang out today. He had waited for me almost all day and even picked out a seafood resturant to take me to for lunch. He wanted until 3:00pm to hear from me than ate a very late lunch. I felt so bad, but I had definitely not had interpreted his Spanish texts to mean he meant. I felt bad for about 15 minutes, but was able to get over it in favor of enjoying his company. Even so, writing about it, I’m feeling bad again, even though I truly didn’t understand his text and didn’t know any better!

I had such a good time with Diego tonight! While I was making myself food (he wasn’t hungry, having eaten lunch so late), he came from behind and held me around my waist. I don’t know why, but I love it when guys do that. We had a number of laughs together too. I think we’re either getting to know each other well enough or understand each other enough to share jokes. Don’t get me wrong, some of our word plays are still lost on each other due to the language gap and cultural differences. For example, when telling me that my hands were frozen, I started singing “Let it Go”. Not understanding my joke, he let go of my hands. Then I had to explain my joke, taking all the fun out of it.

We watched the latest Avengers movie, cuddling up on the couch. About halfway though the movie, I decided to explain that Thor was originally a Norse god before he was a comic book hero. I went on to say that Scandinavia is primarily Christian these days. I maybe should have mentioned that I didn’t really worship Thor, but it didn’t occur to me.  Diego surprisingly went on and on about how there was only one God and how he sent his son Jesus to earth to forgive us of our sins. I had previously told him about my beliefs, which are more spiritual than any given religion. With this outburst/lecture, I wondered just how much of my original explanation he heard or understood. I tried to interrupt him and said that we both believe different things and that okay. He still continued, so I focused on the movie until he stopped talking. I wondered if he would ever allow me to believe something different than him, even though he claims what someone else believes isn’t important. Just as a note, my family celebrates Christmas more as a cultural holiday than a religious one.

I had an otherwise great night with Diego. Once the stress of the holidays had ended, I think I was finally able to relax, have fun, and enjoy being with him. We had sex, of course, and he left. He doesn’t want to stay over when he works the next day. I fell asleep contentedly around 10:30.

Today I gave up needing to believe in the same thing as Diego.

Today I’m grateful for getting things done and seeing my friend, my dad, and my boyfriend.

I did not do any acts of kindness that I remember.

I spent no time in nature today.

I spent $4 on DVD rentals.

I slept for about 3 hours last night.

I meditated today.

I did not exercise today.

I did not follow my diet today.

I cleaned and straightened today.

I was showered and brushed my teeth today.

I was mostly in a good mood today. My temperament was good.


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