December 20, 2015

Last night I had a very realistic dream. I dreamed that Diego and I were at a party. We were in different rooms socializing with different groups of people. Then my friend Christine kissed me a few times. Then she kissed me once with tongue. I looked into the other room, saw Diego watching us, saw him nod his permission, then he returned to his conversation. Later in the party, Christine had moved on to someone interested in doing more than kissing. Then I saw Diego going into a bedroom with a man I knew was gay. I was surprised, but had no qualms with it. I just kept a silent resolution to continue to use condoms to prevent STDs as well as pregnancy.

When I woke up, I thought a lot about the dream. I had no idea what it meant. Then I thought about Diego’s stance on homosexuality. I have several close friends and family members that are gay. Diego used the bible in defense of his beliefs, at first. Even though he’s not Catholic, he still believes in the bible. After seeing how much these people meant to me, he tried to be open-minded about it, but I could tell it was difficult for him. I also once had to correct Diego’s use of the word “faggot” rather harshly. It’s possible he didn’t know exactly what it meant, but it’s possible that he did. I haven’t heard him say it since. He comes from a culture where homosexuality is very much looked down upon, but I am glad to see that he’s at least trying to understand and be open-minded about it. The problem is that he seems to need to understand it before accepting it. That’s where we differ. I don’t need to understand how to love another woman to be happy for two women are happily in love.

I had some shopping I had to do, but I was still sick. I felt better in some ways and worse in others. I limited my shopping to two stops and spent a little extra money so I didn’t have to make a third. Diego texted me, but I didn’t see it, so he called me to see how I was feeling. It was sweet. I think he may have been feeling out my ability to have sex with him, but I’ve never known him to be this subtle about it before.

I spent the afternoon working on knitting the scarf I’m making Diego and doing little things around my apartment. I ate a decent lunch, but didn’t get to do my dishes. I cleaned a little though.

I felt oddly dissatisfied, incomplete somehow. I went on Facebook, but it didn’t alleviate the feelings. I texted Diego and it helped. The problem was that my brain wasn’t working as well as it normally did. I couldn’t understand several of his texts and he couldn’t understand some of mine. I think he was offering to buy me food, but I couldn’t figure it out for sure. He stopped texting back, probably out of frustration with me. I just wanted to curl up on the couch and be cuddled and taken care of. Maybe that’s not realistic because I’m an adult, but I’m sick of taking care of myself when I’m sick. Something just didn’t feel right, but I couldn’t discern what.

Today I gave up my sleep to knit, even though I was tired.

Today I’m grateful for cuddling with my cats, that I am able to take care of myself, and the soup that I had made and froze weeks ago.

I did nothing kind for others today.

I spent no time in nature today.

I spent $20 on gas, $96 on gifts, $34at the pet store and $16 on food.

I slept for about 8 hours last night.

I did not meditate today.

I did not exercise today.

I did not follow my diet today.

I cleaned and straightened today, but not as much as I would have liked.

I was not showered and I did not brush my teeth today.

I was too sick to discern my mood today, but I think it was good. My temperament was good.


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