December 18, 2015

I woke this morning with a strong desire not to talk. I didn’t feel worse than yesterday. I didn’t feel better either. I wasn’t coughing as much. My lungs were a bit sore. I was coughing less and my throat now hurt. I also got up late and ended up with Diego on his usual train rather than mine. He said he missed me the past few days, which I thought was incredibly sweet. I told him I missed him too, but honestly, I was too busy and tired and stressed to miss him. As always, when I sat next to him, I felt myself relaxing. My muscles loosened and it was nice. He talked about me being sick and recommended a few remedies. Spanish folk remedies are very clearly different from the ones I had growing up. My stomach hurt at one point and I excused myself to go to the bathroom. When I returned, he asked if I had diarrhea. Wow. Me, the constant over-sharer actually got asked a question I was hesitant to answer. He said that the cure to morning stomach problems is to only eat warm foods and drink only warm drinks in the morning. I thought about it and most of what did bother my stomach in the morning were cold foods. This certainly was an interesting idea to experiment with.

My day went quickly. Mostly because I prepared some simple lesson plans because I knew I wouldn’t want to deal with anything today. Even more so now that I have a cold. I had taken something and felt progressively better during the day, but I was still glad when the day was over and I could go home.

I worked on the scarf on the train. I was annoyed when it really seemed like I didn’t get very far on it. I started to worry that I wouldn’t complete it in time for Christmas. I would just to have to buckle down and focus on it when Diego wasn’t around.

I intended to straighten up my apartment and work on the scarf when I got home. I was feeling good enough to have a cigarette on the way home, my first of the day. When I got home I just wanted to go to sleep. I took some more pills and went to sleep. When my alarm went off, it was clear that my body needed more sleep. I felt very groggy, but I dragged myself up and cleaned up the more disgusting portions of my apartment. When I left, it was better but not perfect. There was still dried cat puke on the floor, but I cleaned the cat pee and picked up the mound of laundry that was slowly taking over the floor of my bedroom.

I drove to meet Diego. I felt very ambivalent about tonight. I just wanted to curl up and sleep in his arms and go to sleep, but I knew he would want to have sex. I didn’t want to disappoint him, but I weighed that with what I wanted and needed. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to spend time with him. It was more that I wanted to feel better and take care of myself so I could feel well enough to enjoy his company. Or even better, I wanted to be taken care of by him. I guess it’s just in my nature to want to be pampered when I’m sick.

We ate out. I just wanted some comfort food, so I chose what seemed closest to comfort food. When we went back to my place, we watched a movie. Diego wanted sex, but I steadily resisted. I wasn’t sure if it was just because I was sick, because I wanted to see what he did when I resisted, or if I was being overly paranoid because I hadn’t showered in a few days and I was afraid I smelled bad. He asked why I rejected him. I tried to explain that it wasn’t a rejection of him, but that I wasn’t feeling good. I don’t think he entirely believed me. When we went to bed, I discovered that I didn’t want to resist after all. I realized I liked his insistence and we had sex after all. All of my ex-boyfriends took my resistance at face value without realizing that I liked being convinced. Or maybe I didn’t even realize that I liked being convinced. After we were done, I had a coughing fit so bad that I almost threw up. He seemed concerned, but the feeling passed and I went to sleep in his arms.

———————–
Today I gave up the idea that being sick meant I couldn’t have sex.

Today I’m grateful for having my main stress be over, to be done with work for the week, and to spend time with Diego.

There was a lady on the train whose money fell out of her pocket. I picked it up and returned it to her.

I spent 20 minutes in nature today.

I spent $5.75 on parking and $46 on food.

I slept for about 6 hours last night.

I did not meditate today.

I exercised for 20 minutes today.

I did not follow my diet today.

I cleaned and straightened today, but not as much as I would have liked.

I was showered and I did not brush my teeth today.

I was too sick to discern my mood today, but I think it was good. My temperament was good.

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