December 16, 2015

I awoke on time today. Despite having the time to do things, I didn’t do much because I just didn’t feel like it. I drove to work again because I had to bring the giant pile of papers that I graded with me and my back wasn’t up for the extra weight during my walk.

When I got to work, I was again given more work to do. I spent all my free time decorating for the winter concert. I even stayed late to work on it. My principal again supervised my work, offering opinions here and there. It’s tomorrow, so for better or for worse it will at least be over tomorrow. Even though I got a good nights sleep, I still didn’t feel emotionally right again today. I hope that after tomorrow, it will dissipate.

I didn’t feel like cooking again. Oddly, I found myself craving vegetables, so I got a salad at my fast food restaurant of choice. I got a text from Diego asking me to pick him up at the train station. I agreed because I wanted to see him. I wasn’t excited about seeing him like I normally would. I hoped it was just the stress and he wouldn’t look/feel like a stranger like he did yesterday.

When I picked him up, he asked me to go out to dinner with him. I wished I hadn’t eaten already but I wanted to spend time with him. We had some good conversations. One of his friends was there and came over to talk. It was funny because his friend assumed I couldn’t understand them. To be fair, I didn’t catch all of the conversation, but I understood a fair amount of it.

Diego invited me over to his place again. One thing that I like about him is that he doesn’t assume we’re just going to have sex as soon as we get there. We conversed for awhile. I had been meaning to tell him the full extent of my depression problems for a while now. I can’t remember what he asked me, but it was a good gateway to the subject. I told him about my depression, that I used to cut myself, how I didn’t remember what happiness felt like until after I was medicated. He seemed to think that depression is a quick fix, which applied positive thinking could remedy. Like most people, he didn’t understand that it wasn’t brought on by an event, but by the faulty wiring in my brain. I do believe that the medications helped to repair the wiring and my self-improvement helped splice things together. We talked about what helps my depression. He asked to see the scars on my arms, which nobody ever asked before. Maybe it’s weird, but it endeared him to me even more, that he could look at them, who I used to be, without flinching or disgust. We talked about all the things that help me, meditation, time in nature, eating right, etc. He said reading the bible helps him.

Then we launched into a religious discussion. I don’t consider myself as having a religion, because I follow my own rules, not that of any religion. But I do have beliefs. And those took a long time to explain. Those beliefs also have a label that many people tend to look down on, mostly because they don’t understand what it really means. He asked a lot of questions and I answered them as well as I could. In the end, I told him I didn’t care what religion people are unless they try to force me to believe what they do too.

Because of our extensive conversations, I got home later than expected. And I still had to rebuff his request to stay for a second round of sex. I have a long day tomorrow and I’m going to need my sleep for it.
Today I gave up my fear of what Diego would say about my history with depression.

Today I’m grateful that my stress should be over tomorrow, for a fast food salad, and that Diego reacted to my depression with acceptance.

I did not do any acts of kindness today

I spent no time in nature today.

I spent $15 on food, $10 at a craft store and $50 on a dress.

I slept for about 8 hours last night.

I did not meditate today.

I did not exercise today.

I did not follow my diet today.

I did not straighten or clean today.

I was not showered and I did not brush my teeth today.

I was was pretty neutral today. Mostly because I was too stressed to get emotional about anything. My temperament was good.


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