December 15, 2015

After such a late night, I had anticipated having problems the next day. I awoke shaking several times. I kept turning off my alarm in my sleep until I looked at my phone and saw I had only 10 minutes before I had to leave to catch the train. I got up, took my meds, and fed the cats. That was all I had time to do before I left.

When I saw Diego, I was happy to see him, but so tired that I could barely smile. We sat together and I explained last night’s situation as well as I could. While he agreed with me that what had happened was not right, he surprised me in his advice. He told me to give it a few days and calm down. He was right, of course. His presence was soothing and I told him so. I began to relax, something I hadn’t done at all yesterday.

I again asked him to meet my family on Christmas. They had been asking about him ever since I posted the picture with the necklace he bought me on Facebook. Diego said no. He explained that he was afraid that he didn’t know enough English and he was afraid of saying something wrong and that there would be problems. I tried to impart on him that my dad’s side of the family was extremely open-minded. There were already a few mixed race marriages, including a homosexual mixed race marriage. If he had to meet any American family, this was the one to meet. They were good-hearted people and this was the first time they had ever asked to meet any of my boyfriends. Ever. My prejudiced uncle was on my mother’s side of the family, so Diego wouldn’t even have to contend with that. I knew my dad and mom would both get him a present if he came to each family gathering, just because he’s my boyfriend, but I didn’t think telling him that would help my suit.

Diego said he would meet them another time, when he knew more English. I told him I only see them once a year and that my dad was flying in for this. Diego promised he would go next year. Did that mean he was already thinking we’d be together next year? I tried not to get too excited. I had been lied to by my ex-husband too many times in things like that to take anything that Diego said like this at face value. As I wrote that statement, I realized how horrible it sounded, but it was sadly true. Then I reversed our roles in my head. How would I feel if I had to meet a whole party of his relatives at once, knowing what little Spanish that I do? I was disappointed, but I understood and let the subject drop.

I stopped for breakfast on my walk to work. When I got there, I oddly didn’t feel tired. I felt neutral. I couldn’t bring myself to smile at the students, but I didn’t feel particularly sad or angry either. I got through my morning classes and discovered that I had an extra prep. I was finally able to get those graded papers input into the computer system! I felt very accomplished, even though I still had some participation grades to input. I really had few reasons left to stay late at work as an excuse to ride the train with Diego. I left on the early train, the one that is even before the one I used to take with Juan. As a courtesy, I texted Diego to let him know I was at the connecting station. He told me to get off several stops before mine and that he would pick me up. I felt nervous getting off at an unfamiliar station, but I trusted him. Even if not, there would always be another train. He drove me to my car. It was good getting to see him. I was still tired. I couldn’t wait until I could get home and go to sleep. I couldn’t even concentrate on the things he said. Maybe it was because I was so tired, but I couldn’t find what I usually saw in him. I hoped it was only because I was so tired.

When I got home, I did the bare minimum and climbed into bed. I couldn’t get to sleep right away. I also kept getting texts from Diego talking about how he wanted sex. The problem was that he often jokes about that on weeknights without being serious. I assumed that what this was. It ended up being a circular conversation where he kept saying that I was too tired and me saying that I would like to, but that I was tired. Eventually, I gave up, decided not to respond, and went to sleep.

———————–
Today I gave up caring about everything and just did what I had to so I could go to sleep.

Today I’m grateful for getting the time to input my grades, for not being as exhausted as I expected to, and seeing Diego.

I did not do any acts of kindness today

I spent 30 minutes in nature today.

I spent $15 on food today and $5.75 on parking.

I slept for about 4 hours last night.

I did not meditate today.

I exercised for 30 minutes today.

I did not follow my diet today.

I did not straighten or clean today.

I was showered but I did not brush my teeth today.

I was was pretty neutral today. Mostly because I was too tired to get emotional about anything. My temperament was good.

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