December 14, 2015

I awoke up extremely late. I dreamed that they were about to deport Diego and he wanted to marry me so he could stay. I did my best to ascertain whether he wanted to actually marry me or just wanted to stay in the US. I awoke shaking again. I only had time to drive to work and still barely made it there on time. Again, my principal dumped more work on me and I didn’t get the time to input my graded papers onto the computer. I had an extremely busy day.

Near the end of the day, I went onto Facebook and discovered that the two people I suspected of dating actually were. I was disappointed in my male friend’s tastes, but due to the reason that I would never date him, maybe the two of them deserved each other. Then I thought about it. They were both part of my hiking group. A few years ago when my husband and I split up, it apparently caused a lot of problems in the group. A number of people tried to get me kicked out of the group because I didn’t go about it in the best way. I was so emotional, I didn’t stop to think how the breakdown of my marriage would affect the group. The leader of the group tried to mitigate the damage and ordered me to not date anyone within the group for the next year. I hadn’t planned on it, but was kind of pissed off about it. Like who is this guy to tell me who I can and cannot date? But now this couple, one of whom had split up with his wife in September and the other split up with her boyfriend of 10 years in August, were dating, apparently with permission. I was angry. I tried to talk to the group leader about it. He was mistaken about several things, dating back to the split with my ex-husband. I told him everything. The lack of sex and attention. How much it hurt. Why I made the decisions I did. How I still loved my ex-husband for a long time. What happened with my ex-husband this August. How I still felt like I didn’t belong in the group anymore and I still felt like people didn’t want me there. I wrote him practically a small novel. I told him that was why I stepped back from the group and told him I felt betrayed by the fact that this new couple wasn’t treated the same as I was. All he did was tell me that they handled it better than I did with the other people and that we make the choices we make. He went on to say that he made the choices he made, not because of my actions and that I made the choice to feel betrayed by his actions, or lack thereof. It was not the first time I had contemplated leaving the group which had once been like a family to me. I knew that once I left that their pride would be hurt so much that they wouldn’t let me come back.

While this dialogue was going on, I received a text from Diego asking how I was doing. I was truthful and said I was tired but sad. He wanted to know why, but I didn’t have the words to explain it in Spanish. I didn’t know if I even had the words to explain it in English. I told him it was a long story and I would tell him tomorrow. That would give me a chance to figure out how to explain it to him. I knew exactly how he would react. He would tell me that I didn’t need someone showing me that kind of disrespect to begin with and that I should leave the group. He is really big on respect and disrespect seems to be the worst, biggest insult there is. By listening to Diego’s experiences, it seems like one of his character flaws is that he tends to leave a situation when he feels disrespected is that he cuts all ties. I suspect that’s how things will end between us one day. But how long do I put up with my “friend’s” “leadership” before I decide that he’s overreaching. Or is he already overreaching?

I ended up discussing things with my friend Jack. I didn’t initially want to discuss it with him because he was one of the “dumpees” in this case. But I ended up getting much more out of the conversation than the validation I was seeking. We talked about how the only surefire time I get depressed is when I go hiking with our hiking group. He asked what triggered it. I thought about it and decided that it was only when we’re standing around and nobody talks to me, when I get frustrated with my low level of hiking ability, and when my ex-husband tries to pretend that we’re friends. The hard part was figuring out what to do about it. He disappeared before we could figure out that part. I assumed he fell asleep. Finally, around midnight, I was able to calm down enough to sleep.

———————–
Today I gave up my reluctance to discuss a problem. I only wish my hiking group leader would give up his need to be right and save face.

Today I’m grateful for the ability to articulate exactly what was bothering me with the hiking group leader, I’m grateful that I was able to deal with all of the extra work my principal gave me, and I’m grateful for my friends for being there for me.

I tried to be there for a friend who needed it.

I spent no time in nature today.

I spent $5 on food today and $10 on cigarettes.

I slept for about 6 hours last night.

I did not meditate today.

I did not exercise today.

I did not follow my diet today.

I did not straighten or clean today.

I was showered but I did not brush my teeth today.

I was was pretty neutral today. Then when problems with my friend happened, I vacillated between sad and angry. My temperament was good.

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