December 8, 2015

I saw Diego on his walk to the train station and gave him a ride. He kissed me and asked if I was smoking this morning. After the admonition that it wasn’t good, he thankfully dropped the subject. He joined me on my train again today. He was tired. He had talked to his family until late last night. They were having problems. He spent most of the time on the train sleeping. I worked on my blog, but also kept stealing looks at him. I liked to watch him sleep. I had boyfriends in the past who had said they liked to watch me sleep. I had seen romantic moments in movies and books where people stated they liked watching the other sleep. I didn’t understand it until now. I still don’t understand why, I like to watch him sleep, but I at least understand the sentiments expressed by others now!

At the connecting station, Diego went into more details about the problems his family was having. I liked that he was willing to confide in me, as well as the fact that I could be there to listen. He stayed up late worrying about them last night, but due to the nature of his papers allowing him to be here, he was not allowed to return to Guatemala. It sounded almost like his lawyer had set him up as a political refugee rather than on a work visa. I wondered how this would be different for his path to citizenship.

We hugged and cheek-kissed goodbye. I tried to say hi to Juan, but he looked the other way. His “friends” all said hi to me. I sat near them on the train. I was pleased with how much more of the conversation that I was able to understand. They were discussing the weather differences here. The new guy complained about the lack of sun, as well as the cold. Juan at least acknowledged me with a look when he got off the train. After he left, I could hear his friends talking about him, but couldn’t understand much of what was said.

I had a good day at work. I got a lot done and caught up with all my grading for my classes on Mondays and Tuesdays so I was feeling very good about that. I was still stressing out because I still had my Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday classes to catch up on and several of my students were asking me for their papers back from a few weeks ago. I had time on the train ride home, but I was just too tired and burnt out from the day. Juan ignored me again. He purposely went into a different car from me. However, the car I entered was full, so I ended up in the same car as him anyway. I took the first available seat I saw without attempting to sit with him. It still flabbergasts me that he is behaving so childishly. I put on an upbeat song on my phone and listened with my headphones, rocking out to the music. As I rose to exit the train, I saw that he had switched seats to sit behind me. He was talking with a woman there. I think he was attempting to make me jealous, but all I could think was, “Better her than me.”

I met Diego to drive him home. I told him I couldn’t stay to talk long because I had to do laundry. He asked if I saw Juan on the train. I told him what happened. To my surprise, Diego described the woman perfectly. Whenever I wasn’t there, Juan would talk to her instead. Not that it matters, but I found it interesting enough to at least mention here.

Despite my insistence that we not talk long, Diego and I did stay in the car to chat. He just kept kissing me and I liked it so much, I couldn’t refuse him. He then searched my car for my cigarettes, intent on throwing them out the window. Fortunately, I had just moved them the day before and he didn’t find them. I’m glad that he cares enough, but I wish he would let me quit in my own time. He said his hand hurt from work, so I took it upon myself to massage it. He grabbed my hand, presumably to do the same thing, but he pressed hard on the joint of my thumb and it hurt. I pulled back as he explained that his hands were stronger than mine. It was clear that he didn’t intentionally hurt me, but he went on about how he was stronger than me. I pride myself on my strength and got my pride was hurt. I avoided his kisses. He assumed it was because he had hurt me. He insisted that I do the same to him. I do have very strong fingers, but it didn’t hurt him. He again went on about how much stronger he was than me. It sunk my mood and I no longer enjoyed the freely given kisses.

I drove home and went to do laundry. I was tired and annoyed. I wondered if his display of strength was merely an accident or a portent of further pain to come. I had never been physically abused and wasn’t exactly looking to experience it. I received a text from him apologizing profusely for hurting me. I got the feeling that he wouldn’t do it again.

———————–

Today I gave up the past, with Juan and did my best to move on from his “friendship”.

Today I’m grateful for the fact that I understood a conversation in rapid Spanish, I am grateful for making a large dent in my to-do list, and I am grateful for time spent with Diego, even if it’s just watching him sleep.

I gave Diego a ride to and from the train station.

I spent one hour and 30 minutes in nature today.

I spent $5.75 on parking, $5 on food, $10 on laundry, and today.

I slept for about 7 hours last night.

I did not meditate today.

I exercised for 30 minutes today.

I did not follow my diet today.

I did not straighten but I cleaned today.

I was showered and brushed my teeth today.

My mood was fluctuated between happy and neutral. My temperament was good.

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