December 7, 2015

Diego had complained yesterday that my train brought him to work too early. I was surprised but pleased that he joined me again today. Juan returned as well, but Diego had agreed to ride with me long before Juan showed up. I smiled and said hello to Juan.

Diego and I were both tired, but we didn’t talk much. We must have entered the phase of our relationship where we can maintain a comfortable silence. It was nice. Our goodbye hug was awkward again. It happened to be in a location where Juan couldn’t see it, but I didn’t care if he could.

I sat with the Spanish guys and Juan didn’t speak to me once. I had a cold walk to work. When I arrived, I discovered that the principal had delegated more responsibilities to me. I had hoped to catch up on grading, but instead I had to follow her orders. Despite being slightly tired from last night, I was feeling extremely happy. I was craving chocolate, so I bought a cookie from the vending machine at work. About an hour after I ate the cookie, I felt tired, out of it, depressed, and uninterested in my work and my day. I marvelled how, yet again, food affected my mood. It still didn’t affect my desire for more, however. I would have bought more of them if I had the cash on me. How can I know something is so bad for me, know that it will make me feel horrible, not help my weight problem, and yet I would have eaten more anyway, if I could.

I stayed late to work on catching up on my grades and to hopefully catch the same train as Diego. Then Diego texted me and said he was working closer to home today, so I would not be able to catch the same train as him. I hurried to catch the next train so I could get home earlier and at least have someone to talk to in Juan.

As I waited at the connecting station, I didn’t see Juan until the last minute. We entered the same door, but he didn’t say hi, or catch my eye, or sit anywhere near me. Wow. What an asshole. He expected me to overlook the fact that he’s married to sleep with him, but I get a boyfriend and he acts like a child by giving me the silent treatment. Little does he know that the silent treatment is a big time trigger for my anger. I’m sad to lose a friend that I had enjoyed talking to, but at the same time I’m happy to have lost a friend who was not a real friend to begin with. I don’t think I have met any guy who, when he could not have me, acted in such a juvenile way.

Diego waited for me at the train station. I gave him a ride home, but after I parked, we talked for over an hour. One of the most interesting thing we discussed was the difference in marriage between the two cultures. He talked about how here, women and men usually both worked and usually shared the expenses. He said that the man is supposed to pay for the home and expenses and that the woman can work, but it was often just to save up for something they both wanted. The woman stayed home, cooked and cleaned and looked after the kids. Then he brought out the biblical references and I tried to be open-minded. He talked about how the man was in charge. I told him I don’t like cooking. He countered my argument with the fact that the one meal of mine that he ate tasted good. He seemed to not understand that just because I could cook, it didn’t mean that I liked it. Or maybe it was just a resignation that we don’t have to like everything that we have to do. When he talked about the man being in charge, I should have told him that I thought in a marriage that a man and a woman should be equal, but I was trying so hard not to get angry at his biblical insistence that a man should be in charge that all I was able to do was tell him that I don’t like being told what to do (which was also true).

Diego also talked about what a responsible adult does. He pays his rent, his debts, he sends money to his family and his kids back in Guatemala. He also talked about greed and how many people were unhappy, not buying the things they wanted because they needed to keep as much of their money as possible. He said that when they die, they can’t take their money with them. I really didn’t talk much. I agreed with much of what he said (excepting those details of marital life that I included here), but oddly, I didn’t feel the need to be heard and insert my opinion on every topic, like I usually do. I wondered how much he knew about me and my opinions by my silence and resolved to talk more.

On my drive home, I realized that during our discussion about marriage that whenever I made a reference to the hypothetical husband, I was gesturing towards him. When I referenced the hypothetical wife, I gestured towards myself. I tried to brush it off as an aid to the language barrier. I thought about it. Could I be happy being a stay-at-home wife? Yes. If I had a way to make money there and find something fulfilling work from home. I have dreamed of living off of the land, growing my own food and having animals for meat, which would likely require someone to be at home full-time. But I didn’t know if I could give up control enough to trust someone enough, not only to make all the money, but to stay and take care of me financially forever. That takes a lot of trust. And right now, I can barely trust the relationship for being what it is.

—————————
Today I gave up my need to be right. I gave up the idea that there is a right way to be in a marriage.

Today I’m grateful for figuring out the truth in Juan, slowly catching up on my work, and the interesting things Diego is helping me learn about myself.

When I was putting my cart away at the grocery store, I organized all of the carts in the cart return area.

I spent 3 minutes in nature today.

I spent $5.75 on parking, $18 on medication, $8 on fast food and $87 at the grocery store (mostly on cat food and other non-food items) today.

I slept for about 7 hours last night.

I did not meditate today.

I exercised for 30 minutes today.

I did not follow my diet today.

I did not straighten or clean today.

I was not showered but brushed my teeth today.

My mood was fluctuated between happy and neutral. My temperament was good.

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