December 6, 2015

I woke up a little past midnight, to the sound of a party upstairs. I checked my phone for texts from Diego, but there weren’t any. My heart sunk. I wanted a cigarette, but reasoned that all the gas stations would be closed by that time. I went on Facebook to dull the pain in my heart. My brother had messaged me 7 minutes earlier, asking if I was okay. His timing was spooky, but I was grateful to have someone to talk to. I explained the situation and could not find a good thing to text Diego. Kevin came to the rescue and just told me to say that I miss him. It was brilliant, but not something I ever would have conceived of. I guess I don’t like putting myself out there emotionally, but this conveyed enough emotion, yet was benign enough to not be thought the hindrance I felt like I was. I read myself to sleep again, with a pain in my heart.

I awoke again at 7:00am. No texts. I told myself it was still early and that he was probably still asleep. I also remembered that he had a birthday party to attend for a little girl that lived in his building. Maybe he was preoccupied last night and that’s why I didn’t hear from him.

I tried to divert myself. All I wanted was to buy a pack of cigarettes and dull the pain in my heart. For all I know he lost his cell phone or the battery died. But here I am, conjuring a mental image of him hooking up with a Hispanic girl. I worked on my blog for a few hours, to try and distract myself. It was 9am, seventeen hours from the last text I had from him and I had run out of words to write.

I went on Facebook to try and distract myself from the fact that I had not heard from Diego. Then I got some texts from him. He apologized and said that he had slept the entire time. I don’t know what was wrong with me because I didn’t quite believe him. I realized that I was depressed and decided to go get a pack of cigarettes. After my smoke and my breakfast, I started to feel a bit better, but still wasn’t 100%. I wondered if this was my one day of depression before my period actually starts.

I returned to bed where I continued to read and nap intermittently. When I awoke, I saw no further texts from Diego, triggering my feelings of worry and fear. I texted him, telling him that I hoped he was having a good day. He was out with a friend who was drinking. Diego was the designated driver because he doesn’t drink. He continued to text me, including the phrase “Te quiero mucho” which my translator stated meant “I love you a lot”. My fears evaporated, but I still had very little energy. I drove to buy a very late lunch because I didn’t have the energy to do the dishes and make the food myself. I had a lot to do and no energy to do it.

I finally started to feel better about me and Diego again. Why do I do this? Why do I imagine that things aren’t fine between us when there is no real reason or causation? Am I so afraid of being left? Am I so afraid of the possible pain that I come up with these scenarios? Is it a defense mechanism? I don’t know, but I don’t like it at all.

I started following my diet again today, with the hope that it would improve my mood and energy levels. I needed to do dishes, cook food for the week, and grade a large amount of papers that seemed almost insurmountable. I had put it off for so long that I found the task of tackling them daunting.

Then Diego texted me asking if I was too tired for sex. I told him I was tired, but if he were here, I’d want sex anyway. And he talked about coming over later. Suddenly, my motivation returned. I needed to clean, to cook, to shower. I didn’t grade papers because he came earlier then expected. I didn’t even get to shower. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy that I found some motivation, but I was annoyed at myself because it was Diego who motivated me and not myself.

I finished cooking just as he arrived. He ate some too and liked it. We talked a long time. He talked about how many Americans are jealous of the things other people have. He’s right. We were all brought up with consumerism, to have bigger, better, more things that we don’t need. I found this ironic because he likes buying nice clothes, nice shoes. He also talked about some of the people he does work for just to help them out, free of charge. He said that he helps people whether they have the money to pay or not. It’s one of the many things I like about him. We also conversed about the differences between some Spanish words and their English “meanings”.

He again talked about first meeting me and how he thought maybe I don’t like Spanish guys. I explained, yet again, that I thought he didn’t like me. He talked again about how some Americans don’t like Spanish people. I thought this was a good opportunity to ask if the people he knew cared that he was dating me. He said they didn’t care that I’m white. Then he told me his cousin who owns the restaurant we frequent was asking about me. He told her I was his girlfriend and she had made a few favorable comments about me.

I feel my regard increasing for him daily, today especially. If I don’t love him now, I know I will soon. He talked about how if we had kids they would look good, be a mix of the two of us. I had some slow Christmas music playing in the background when he arrived and kept it on at his request. He pulled me in for an impromptu slow dance. It was really sweet and fun! After we had sex, I couldn’t stop kissing him. I noticed he had a beautiful pattern of dark brown in his golden brown eyes. He couldn’t stop kissing me as well and it took him long time to leave. That was okay, because I enjoyed every minute that he was here.

Today I’m grateful for Diego, getting over my depressive episode, and eating the right foods today.

I didn’t do any acts of kindness, that I knew of.

I spent no minutes in nature today.

I spent $15 on food and $12 on cigarettes today.

I slept for about 11 hours last night.

I did not meditate today.

I did not exercise today.

I followed my diet today.

I did not straighten or clean today.

I was not showered and did not brush my teeth today.

My mood was fluctuated between happy and depressed, but spent more of the day depressed. My temperament was good.


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