December 5, 2015

I awoke in Diego’s arms. I was still feeling off from the alcohol, but the depression was starting to fade. I don’t know what it is about the feel of his skin against mine, but it’s amazing and I love it. I wondered if was just because it had been awhile since I had a boyfriend or if his skin felt different, maybe due to a form of cuddle chemistry. I awoke a few minutes before he did and I studied his face. The one thing I find odd about him is that he looks different to me at different times. Sometimes he seems to be older with more wrinkles. Sometimes he seems almost boyish. I stared at his face, a very common-looking face, made remarkable by the man beneath it. I studied the smile lines beside his eyes, finding them beautiful, too. I don’t have smile lines, I guess I haven’t done enough smiling in my 36 years to earn them. I do have a few lines in my forehead though. I wondered what caused them.  He opened his eyes, which are a pale golden brown. I told him that I liked them, that they had depth. I felt like I was starting to fall for him fast. Now that he loves me, did I give myself permission to go ahead and love him?

I had to kick Diego out early because I had made plans to visit my mom for lunch. He had plans too. He was supposed to be eating lunch with a friend. It turns out his friend chose 9:30. I asked if his friend knew about me. Diego said he told his friend that he was not sleeping at home. I was flattered that he told his friends about me. I wondered later if he said anything about me or just that he wasn’t sleeping at home. As I got ready to go, Diego offered to fasten my necklace around my neck. It’s little things like this that I think are really sweet and most guys would never think of.

I drove straight to my mom’s house. I had made plans with her because I had to give her her present early for the holidays. It was a gift of experience, to see a musical that she had been wanting to see for years. She was very surprised and happy, even though I could only afford last row seating. We ate and she offered me wine with lunch. I took it hoping that a little “hair of the dog” would give me more energy. It slowly made me more depressed. I left, eager to escape any questions that might surface about my mood change and I desperately wanted a cigarette. 

I had one cigarette left in the pack, so I tried to hold off smoking it for as long as I could.  I had again told myself that I would be quitting smoking after I finished this pack. As I drove, I realized that I hadn’t heard from Diego in a while. He usually texts me pretty regularly. As it usually does, my depression took this incident and blew it way out of proportion. I had decided that he no longer wanted me, that I was too fucked up in the head for him, and that he wanted a Spanish-speaking woman.

I smoked the cigarette. The cigarette helped my depression fade a bit and I was able to send him a much more rational text at the next traffic light. I simply asked what he was doing. He said he was sleeping and asked what I was doing. I told him I was driving home and said I hoped I didn’t wake him up. Sleeping at 4pm seemed a bit odd, but I was tired too and planned to sleep when I got home. I didn’t get any more texts from him for the remainder of the night. I read until I fell asleep, afraid to be alone with my thoughts and worries and fears. 


Today I’m grateful for cuddling, safe trips to and from my mom’s house, and the power of a good book.

I helped my mom make lunch today.

I spent no minutes in nature today.

I spent $3 on tolls and $8 on food today.

I slept for about 7 hours last night.

I did not meditate today.

I did not exercise today.

I did not follow my diet.

I did not straighten or clean today.

I was showered but did not brush my teeth today.

My mood was fluctuated between neutral and depressed. My temperament was good.


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