December 4, 2015

I awoke early, but fell back asleep. When I awoke again, I knew I would have to drive my car to work. Not because I was running that late but because my intuition told me to. It’s strange, but I decided to follow my intuition. I drove my car to work. On my drive, I continued to contemplate Diego’s love. I decided that it was genuine, or at least he thought it was. Do I love him? That question was more difficult to answer. There are many qualities that I love about him. I don’t think I love him quite yet. There are just so many issues we seem to have on a somewhat regular basis for me to be comfortable or confident enough to let go enough to allow myself to love him. Why did I say it ? That question was easier to answer. I am told “I love you” by my youngest students regularly and the best thing I have found to do is by responding with similar sentiments. I probably said it out of reflex rather then sentiment, I think.

My day was pretty good, but again was very busy. I left work early to try and clean up myself and my apartment before my date tonight. I got most of the things I wanted to done.

We ate at a Mexican restaurant. It was probably the first time I felt comfortable in that restaurant. We were more comfortable with each other and downright flirty at times. People still stared at me, but it bothered me less. He recommended the gallina. It’s apparently a female chicken and it is tougher and tastes better, according to Diego. It just tasted like chicken to me. He had ordered some jalepeños on the side and ate some of them, trying to get me to try it. I steadily resisted, not liking really spicy foods. After the 15th time he told me it wasn’t spicy, I cut off a tiny piece and gingerly bit into it. It tasted like a green bell pepper! Then he explained to me that the jalepeño needed to ripen for several days more before it would become spicy.

As we left, he made jokes about my parking. Any hint that I’m a bad driver is a sore spot with me, so I let him see my distaste for his joke. He asked me if we could go to the local hardware store. I didn’t mind. He said he wanted to buy me a gift. From the hardware store!? I probably should have been offended when he wanted to buy me those scented oils that you plug in. I usually light scented candles, but he was apparently concerned for my safety with the open flames and my cats. He had a point. We perused some tools and accessories, joking about some and discussing the merits of various brand names.

We went to my place and watched the video of my students’ dance production from last year. Because I directed and choreographed it, it really was something that I could be proud of. I always saw pictures of his work and he’s very proud of the work he does (a quality that I admire in him), but I really couldn’t show him what I do. Then I realized I could show him the video. He kindly praised my skills.

As we watched, he kept encouraging me to drink more and more alcohol. He seemed to think that as I drank more, I would jump his bones and get crazy in bed with him. I kept drinking, but started to get depressed instead of happy. I was quickly becoming difficult to deal with. I explained what had happened and he was wonderful. He wrapped his arm around me and stroked my hair. We still had sex, but it felt purely mechanical for me and I kept falling asleep in the middle of it. After he finished, I buried myself in his arms, falling asleep while marveling at how much I loved the feel of his skin touching mine.

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Today I’m grateful for getting out if work early, getting stuff done, and not smoking cigarettes while I was drinking.

I don’t think I did any acts of kindness today.

I spent no minutes in nature today.

I spent $5.75 on parking, $25 on gas, and $8 on food today.

I slept for about 7 hours last night.

I did not meditate today.

I did not exercise today.

I did not follow my diet.

I straightened and cleaned today.

I was showered and did brush my teeth today.

My mood was fluctuated between happy and depressed. My temperament was good.

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