December 1, 2015

Today I had just enough time to get everything done that I wanted to before leaving my apartment in the morning. When I got to the train station, I didn’t see Diego or Juan. As Diego typically takes the train after mine, I didn’t quite expect to see him, but I hoped I would. I did and he took my train with me again. It was nice, but we ran out of things to talk about about halfway through the ride. I guess we have not yet reached the stage where are silences are not awkward yet. Although the word “sexy” apparently means different things in the two languages. In Spanish, it merely refers to someone pretty or handsome. In English, it means to think about someone in a sexual manner. He also told me about the Mayan pyramids in his home country. I confessed about smoking again. He told me it wasn’t good. I said that I’d try and quit again once I finished my current pack of cigarettes. He said that I didn’t need to finish the pack. He still has a partially finished pack that he hasn’t touched in over a year. I felt my admiration for him increase. I thought about quitting with only a partial pack, but thought that the temptation would always be there, taunting me with cigarettes yet to be smoked.

He stayed with me at the connecting station again today. Juan’s Spanish friends were openly curious looking at us today. They watched us do our hug and cheek kisses, which are now becoming less awkward for me, now that I know what to expect. I sat with them on the train today, but they really didn’t talk to me.

I had a good day at work and stayed late to catch up on the work that I didn’t get done the last few weeks and couldn’t catch up on yesterday due to my computer problems. I didn’t completely catch up, but I at least made a dent in my lengthy to-do list.

I drank some tea while I worked. When I was done, I looked at the tab on my tea bag.

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I realized that I needed to stop thinking about my future with Diego. I just needed to choose him every day that I am with him. I thought about several of my past relationships. Things always fell apart because at some point, one of us stopped choosing the other person on a daily basis. We took the other for granted or maybe just stopped working at things on a daily basis. In my marriage, I stopped choosing him because his lack of a choice damaged my then-fragile ego and I believed that to stop choosing him would prevent my pain. I felt pain because, no matter how I tried not to, I based my daily happiness on his attention. If he didn’t show me attention or affection, I was unhappy. I had no job to give me happiness. I had friends, but not the kind who I saw often.

Anyway, back to Diego. I just needed to choose him each day that I was with him. Today it was easy to choose him. The look in his eyes when he looked at me was enough for me. They were full of affection for me. His wisdom about quitting smoking and my respect for him for doing so last year increased my affection for him.

I left work at a time when I hoped to catch the same train home as him from the connecting station. I was on my first train when I got his text stating that he was driving his work car home. I was disappointed, but told myself I could continue grading papers on the way home. Then he texted me offering a ride home from the connecting station!

I found him relatively easily and we talked about our days as he drove. There was a lot of traffic and it was raining out. I tend to get nervous when other people drive, and the traffic and the weather didn’t help. He noticed and asked what was wrong. I explained. He asked why I got nervous when other people drive. He asks questions like these regularly. They’re questions where I find myself looking deeper inwardly than I usually do. He causes soul-searching on a daily basis with his questions and I love it! I answered that I get nervous when other people drive because I like to be in control. Then I thought about it further. I don’t like not being in charge of my life. I don’t like submitting control to others. Judging by what he said yesterday about making it on his own, he’s the same way.

I got home and got some work done before bed. I felt good about all I accomplished today. I went to bed only 1 hour late today. As much as I’d like to see Diego on weeknight evenings, I felt good about the luxury of a few hours to get things done before bed!

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Today I’m grateful for Diego, awesome students, and getting stuff done.

I don’t think I did any acts of kindness today.

I spent 30 minutes in nature today.

I spent $5.75 on parking, $15 on cat food, and $8 on fast food today.

I slept for about 6 hours last night.

I did not meditate today.

I exercised for 30 minutes today.

I did not follow my diet.

I did not straighten or clean today.

I was showered but did not brush my teeth today.

My mood was happy on the whole. My temperament was good.

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2 thoughts on “December 1, 2015

  1. Dear you – glad to see that you are taking it day by day and choosing both yourself and Diego on a daily basis. From what you have shared about Diego, it seems like there are both things that are admirable about him, as well as some things to note and pay attention to such as some rigidity of thinking. However, one thing that I do notice in this relationship compared to others that you have blogged about is that you are paying attention to these things and not jumping into the relationship unreservedly. Take it slow, make yourself a priority, make sure Diego (and any other partner) is respecting you, and you’ll be able to create a wonderful relationship and a lot of peace of mind for yourself as well. I’m sending lots of positive thoughts your way.

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