November 17, 2015

I woke up early, but stayed in bed for a while. I barely made it to the train on time. On the drive to the train station, it seemed like every song that came on the radio was about me and Diego. I was worried about how quickly my feelings developed for him. I know I don’t control my emotions and I can only control how I react to them, but I still tried to apply logic for why and how they developed so quickly. The only conclusions I came to did not do any justice to myself as a person. I didn’t want to believe that they just developed because he called me beautiful a lot and showed interest in me. But what other explanation is there? Or is it that he showed me what a good person he was that I couldn’t help it?

As we texted this morning, I grew even more appreciation for him as a person. He asked questions that took some real soul-searching to find the answer to. And our conversations ranges from movies we liked to work schedules to more deeper topics. After a while, I admitted that I liked him. He asked me why I didn’t say so. I told him I was scared because I didn’t know him long. It took me a while to come up with that insight. Then he said, “Pero ya no tenga miedo. Las heridas de otra personas sanan. No todas las personas son malas.” It translates to something like, “But do not be afraid. Other people’s wounds heal. Not all people are bad.” As strange as it may sound, I needed to hear that. Because while it’s usually easy to remember the goodness of my students that I often forget the goodness of adults. Or maybe I had told myself that the good guys are already taken too many times.

And so, I decided to step outside my comfort zone. We decided to go out to dinner again. Then he asked what we could do after. He had bought a sequel to one of my favorite movie series, so I asked if it would be okay for us to watch it. He said yes, but that if would have to be my apartment, if that was okay. Apparently he just rents a room and it’s very small. Anyway, that meant that I would have to go on a cleaning spree tonight. I knew that even after I cleaned, there is an undertone of cat pee smell in my bathroom that will need to be addressed.

I got next to no work done at work today. I hope it’s just because I’m tired and not because I’m constantly thinking about Diego. I had intended to catch the earlier train from work since I couldn’t concentrate, I needed the extra time to clean my apartment, and I got to avoid Juan all at once! But alas, it was not to be. The custodian who is friendliest with me stopped to talk to me in Spanish. I always like to practice, but didn’t realize that the time I took to chat was the difference between the early train and the later one with Juan on it. I supposed I would have to deal with it eventually, but I had no idea how I would handle it. I was distant with him this morning because I kept getting texts from Diego. I also couldn’t keep a smile off of my face every time I got a text. I’m not exactly adept at hiding my feelings.

I was very tired on my train ride home. I was happy to be free of my interest in Juan. I gave him a harder time than usual, having lost much of my respect for him.

When I got home, I cleaned, did dishes, did laundry, went food shopping, and tried to make my apartment presentable for when Diego comes tomorrow. I was really nervous. We have done a lot of texting, but spent so little time together in person. I was afraid that I wouldn’t like him as much in person and I was afraid that I would. I got to bed really late. My apartment wasn’t perfect, but it was presentable.

—————————-
Today I’m grateful for a clean apartment, clean clothes, and a stocked refrigerator.

I held the door open for someone with a lot of laundry at the laundromat and left a small stack of quarters on top of the change machine.

I spent about 30 minutes in nature today.

I spent $5.75 on parking, $10 on laundry, and $35 on groceries today.

I slept for about 6 hours last night.

I meditated today.

I did about 30 minutes of exercise today.

I followed my diet.

I straightened and cleaned today.

I was showered but did not brush my teeth today.

My mood started out happy, but I got tired about halfway through the day. My lack of sleep is starting to catch up with me!. My temperament was good.

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