November 15, 2015

At about midnight, my upstairs neighbors woke me up because they were clearly partying. I got up, smoked a cigarette outside. By the time I went back to bed, they had quieted down. I slept poorly, nonetheless. My back had been bothering me for days and I slept poorly because of it.

I awoke late to the sound of my cats crying to be fed. I felt the fog of depression begin to surround me. I had a conference call with my weight loss group. I didn’t feel like talking to them, but I did anyway. It ended up doing me a world of good. I told them about my depression and how I felt like the bad food I had been eating was responsible, and how it became a perpetual cycle. I eat bad food, then I get depressed, so I eat more bad food. They did what I thought no one could do and made me laugh. I was not so deep in my depression where laughing was repugnant, so it helped to lift me out of it.

When I got off the phone, I felt good enough to go hiking. I tried a longer hike to prepare for next weekend. I think I hiked 3-4 miles. I chose a less steep hike, but did okay going at my own pace. As I walked, I was surrounded by my thoughts of depression. Then, as time went on, the silence and being surrounded by nature filled me with a sense of calmness.

I drove home with only a few hours before my date. I was nervous and I dreaded it. I drove there and walked in to the bar portion of the restaurant. I looked around for Diego, but didn’t see him. What I did see was every eye upon me. I was the only white person there! I walked back outside to text Diego. He was on his way. He was coming from 20 minutes away with his friend but he was almost there. I was surprised when I saw him. I had only seen him in his work clothes. He was wearing a nice shirt and he smelled good. Not that he smelled bad before, but he had a small amount of cologne or aftershave that was very pleasing. He had shaved and did his hair differently. He looked good! I was disappointed that the waitress took one look at me and handed me an English menu. I told him I was going to order the same thing as him and he ordered for me. We talked about many things, most of them superficial. Our food arrived. Afterwards, he insisted I try a shot of a particular kind of tequila. I don’t like tequilla, but relented, as I rarely back down from trying new things. It was surprisingly not bad. He paid for the meal, even though I offered to pay for my share, then I offered to pay the tip. He was a generous tipper, which made me think more highly of him. It shows a good character to do good for those who we do not expect reciprocation from.

I had parked a little way away from the restaurant, so we walked to my car together. I offered him a ride home. After I pulled off of the road to let him out, he stayed to talk for a while. It was my favorite conversation of the night, all about ideas rather than things. He rose in my esteem. I wondered if he would try to kiss me. I almost wanted him to. He shook my hand, then got out of the car.

When I got home there were four texts from him on my phone. He had a good time and said I was very beautiful. Then he asked if I had a boyfriend. I told him no and asked if he had a girlfriend. He did not. He asked if I would be his girlfriend. I was shocked. Here was a guy who, according to Juan, warned him against hanging out with me. I really thought he asked me out to distract me from Juan. It wasn’t until that text that I realized that Diego was in earnest. I thought about it and said I wanted to get to know him better first. I told him that I enjoyed myself with him and that he looked good tonight.

We continued to text. I eventually told Diego that I thought he didn’t like me because of what Juan said. He said he never spoke to Juan about me and that he was willing to talk to Juan about it when we were all together. That made me think that maybe I got both Juan’s and Diego’s characters wrong. I thought about my experience with both of them. Juan, telling me what clothes looked good on me and what I should or should not do (I didn’t recount every conversation on this blog). How Juan kept trying to get me to cheat on his wife with him and really didn’t take no for an answer. How he reacted jealously over trifles. Then I thought about my experience with Diego. I had drawn my initial judgement from a one-sided conversation where he spoke a lot of rapid Spanish at me. There was a lot that I didn’t understand as he spoke at me. What if I was mistaken when he said he didn’t marry to avoid problems. What if he said that he had problems with the mother of his children in Guatemala and that was why he was not married?

Then I thought about Juan who seemed mild and friendly with everyone, but that I had no real testament to the fact that he’s a good person other than the fact that he says he is. I contrasted that with Diego who told me a story about how someone was so pleased with how well he did his job, that he gave him a season pass to a water park, so now he does work for him for free. He showed me the work he did in the restaurant we went to that is owned by his cousin. He talked about how doing good things for others gets you good things in return.

I was very confused. I felt like Elizabeth Bennett in Pride and Prejudice at the moment when she’s trying to figure out if Wickham or Darcy is the good person. I understood her agitation. I started writing this blog and fell asleep with the phone in my hand.
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Today I’m grateful for nature, a good night with Diego, and my weight loss group.

As I was leaving the park where I was hiking, I ran into a couple who was lost and gave them my map.

I spent time in nature today.

I spent $30 in gas, $10 on food, and $10 on cigarettes today.

I slept for about 8 hours last night.

I did not meditate today.

I exercised for 95 minutes today.

I followed my diet.

I straightened and cleaned today.

I was showered and brushed my teeth today.

My mood started out depressed, then slowly morphed to happy. Then I was nervous before my date and agitated after. My temperament was good.

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