November 11, 2015

I had the day off of work for Veteran’s Day. I started the day by getting blood work done for my endocrinologist. She wanted to test my blood sugar and cholesterol since it had been so long. I awoke, ate nothing, and drove there. When I got home, I began to clean my apartment for Diwali.

Chandra had told me about Diwali and I liked the idea, so I decided to celebrate it. It’s a time for cleaning the cobwebs from both your house and your soul. I spent four hours straightening up, doing dishes, cleaning the cat hair off of sitting surfaces, swept, and gave the bathroom floor a good cleaning in hopes of reducing the cat pee smell in there. Then I went and did laundry. While I was there, I posted all of my blog entries from the past month. It didn’t include how I did with everything each day. I kept telling myself I would add those parts in and realized that was why I kept postponing them. I gave up and just posted them as they were.  I hope to go back and add those parts later.

Then I got home, hung some clothes to dry, then went to Chandra’s house to celebrate Diwali with her. For once there was someone else there, a woman named Priscilla and her daughter who looked to be between 1-2 years old. Given the notion of chastity they practice, I was surprised. She was a happy little child and I loved being around her. I wished a wish for one of my own. We watched what was supposed to be a description of Diwali, but turned out to be a religious thing. We lit candles and ate food. Chandra told us about Diwali growing up in India. She was told to write the things she wanted to improve on in the coming year. Then she went on one of her religious rants stating that I couldn’t attend the things I wanted to because I’m not chaste and eat meat. Then I found out that they bathe every time they have a bowel movement. She said if they have diarrhea, it could be four times per day. That seemed a bit excessive, but maybe a good practice for me, who had not bathed in four days, to adopt. She started her class, but suddenly, I didn’t want to be there anymore. I had to get away. I couldn’t describe why, but claimed I wasn’t feeling well and left.

I questioned my reasons the whole way home and came up with nothing. Nonetheless, I decided that it was a good time to examine my life. I was happy being alone now. I knew myself and liked myself a lot better now. I still struggle with hygiene and keeping my apartment clean, but I’m better than I used to be. I’m still smoking. I guess those are what I should work on: hygiene, cleanliness, and quitting smoking. So those are my current goals. Oh, and continuing to spurn the advances of Juan. Either that, or just give up and have sex with him. Both options felt like a finality, so I wonder if just having sex with him will make it go away. Or maybe I’m trying to come up with bad logic to tell myself that it’s okay to do it, even though it’s morally wrong.

Today I’m grateful for how far I have come in my self-development in the past year, for a clean-ish apartment, and for the veterans who put everything on the line for our country.

My act of kindness today was holding the door for someone whose hands were full at the laundromat.

I did not spend time in nature today.

I spent about $10 on laundry, $10 on cigarettes, $30 on gas, and $35 on groceries.

I slept for about 10 hours last night.

I meditated today for about 15 minutes.

I did not exercise today.

I followed my diet, excepting the food that Chandra gave me.

I straightened and cleaned today.

I did not shower or brush my teeth today.

My mood was good, as was my temperament.


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