October 12, 2015

I woke up late and went to Chandra’s house for one of her classes in spirituality. I disagree with some of the concepts, but like the rest of it. They preach purity (aka no sex) and vegetarianism. I function better when I eat meat and don’t think I could give up sex. It did cause me to question my sexual freedom. After all, I hadn’t seen Rich in 10 years, I spent a single weekend with him, then had sex with him. Is that a bad thing? Am I taking my sexual freedom too far? I don’t consider sex a bad thing, but is there a point where it’s bad for me? Am I at that point? It’s not like I do it with strangers the day I meet them.

I couldn’t focus on my meditation today. I was distracted by the fact that I didn’t know how I felt or what to do about Rich. I had fun with him in every sense of the word. I enjoy his company. But if he were to push for a relationship, what did I want to do? I didn’t know. My lack of a decision disturbed me. I always knew what I wanted with and from the people in my life, until today. Is it a sign that my self-improvement efforts were working? Or is my apathy a sign that I’m reaching a stage in my life where I’m so self-involved that I’m using people for sex regardless of their feelings? I had a lot of circular thinking with regards to this.

After I left Chandra’s house, I decided to go for a hike to clear my head. It did clear my head. I spent my time appreciating the nature all around me and stopped my internal debate about Rich. I decided to just let what happens happens and not cross that bridge when I come to it. I spent the evening catching up on work. I didn’t get completely caught up, but I was closer than I was before.

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