November 2, 2015

I woke up a little earlier than usual, but I had to take so much time wiping up cat pee that I lost all extra time that I thought I had. In the morning, it was nice. I got to see the sun in the morning. Juan was not on the train in the morning. I hoped he was okay. I had an easy day at work and rather enjoyed myself.

On the way home, Juan was there. I ran into him at the connecting station. We sat together as usual. And as usual, he invited me to move over a seat to sit closer to him. He told me he dreamed of me over the weekend. I suppose he meant it to be flattering, but I simply said I hoped he didn’t talk in his sleep! He asked me to be his “train boyfriend”. Only on the train. I thought (and said), “Why not?” I figured there would be no harm since we always sat together anyway and we couldn’t do anything on the train. Then he started a conversation about sex. Sigh. Anybody reading my blog knows that I have no issues talking about sex. I’m not particularly shy or ashamed by it. However, I wondered why we were talking about it. Often guys don’t understand that me talking about sex does not mean that I want to have sex with them. It’s with any other taboo subject that I enjoy discussing, to me. He tried to invite himself to my apartment this weekend. Sigh. so much for just being my train boyfriend. Thankfully, I had a full docket this weekend and didn’t have the time. That won’t last forever. I make all these resolutions about Juan, then when I talk to him, all those resolutions evaporate.

On my way home, I called myself a “fucking idiot’. Aloud. Repeatedly. I am. I don’t know how to un-fuck this situation. When I got home, I had so much to do, but all I wanted to do was sleep. I skipped my dinner and attempted to nap. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get warm, so I ended up falling asleep at my usual time. I set my alarm for 3am so I could complete all of those tasks that were necessary.


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