November 10, 2015

I went on that field trip today.  I realized how introverted I had gotten.  On a bus with about forty 7th graders, the noise seemed deafening.  I didn’t like being so surrounded with people, especially since the teachers who had friends sat together and the chaperones sat together.  Even though I had asked to go on this field trip, I found it disappointing.  Maybe I was out of sorts from the bus ride.  Maybe I thought it would be more exciting to see the pieces of art that I wanted to see in person, but I didn’t enjoy myself as I had thought I would.  I endured the bus ride back and enjoyed an afternoon where I could catch up on my work.  That was good, since my assistant principal had e-mailed me adding some unnecessary work to my to-do list on a weekly basis.

I felt like it had been a long time since I had seen Juan.  Maybe so much had happened with the class I took this weekend and the fact that I drove to work yesterday. On the way home, we sat together. I initially chose a seat closer to the front.  Diego sat nearby. Juan chose a different seat.   In the seats before and behind us were people trying to sleep.  We got very close to whisper to each other.  In the seat across from us was someone who got off at the second stop.  We had about as much privacy as one could get on the train.  Juan started stroking my arm and my hand.  I wanted to tell him to stop, that it was not right, that it was not fair to his wife, but I liked it too much.  We spent most of the time like that.  I could tell from the look on Juan’s face, that he was enjoying it.  I tried not to let my enjoyment show, but it was difficult.  Whenever someone moved forward in the aisles, Juan stopped, snatching his hand back like someone who had been burned.  During those times, I could have moved my hand so it was inaccessible, but I didn’t want to.  He asked if he sent his wife on vacation, would I spend time with him.  The most resistance I could give was a terse, “Maybe.”  Ugh, I wanted him so badly and that was just from a simple stroking of my hand and arm!!!

I need a boyfriend.  I need one now.  I need someone who I can get this kind of physical closeness from who isn’t off-limits.  It’s getting increasingly difficult to keep him away  because I want it too!  I need to find someone to want that I can have.  I started coming up with ways to distance myself from Juan, but each was unlikely as the next.  I have reached the point where I need a boyfriend again, but for the most unlikely reason imaginable.  It’s not for completeness, like I thought I needed one before, but to help keep myself from doing something that I consider both morally wrong and yet something that I really want to do.  This dichotomy is really messing with me!  I calmed myself down and went to bed early again.

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