November 1, 2015

I woke up slightly hung over and dehydrated. When I finally got up, I discovered that my weight was under 200lbs for the first time in a long time! I hoped it would continue. I went to see a movie that I was interested in. As it did with last weekend, I left the theater with a feeling that something was missing from my life. Something is missing. I am missing friends other than Juan and I am missing having a boyfriend. I don’t miss a boyfriend like I did before. Before, I felt like I needed a boyfriend for my life to be complete. I needed a boyfriend to have someone who would always be there for me, to take care of me, to make me happy. Now I recognize that I can make myself happy, I can mostly take care of myself, and I have others who are always there for me, albeit at a distance. I miss having a boyfriend because I miss the feeling of cuddling, hugging, sleeping next to someone, and I miss sex. Sure, I could do those things with a friend, but I have had too many issues with guys who I want to remain friends getting attached and I won’t allow myself to break that barrier. It’s a moot point because other than Juan and Christine, nobody I know lives nearby anyway.

I had a productive day and went to Chandra’s house in the evening. When I returned, there were some guys moving in upstairs. They appeared to be in their mid-20s and seemed very nice. Maybe I could make friends with them. Who knows? With their moving in, I was hopeful. I’m not sure what I was hopeful for, but maybe something interesting will come of it. I don’t know what, but something.

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