October 8, 2015

I awoke before my alarm again. I assumed I would stay awake so I turned off my alarm clock. I awoke a little while later. Thankfully, I still had enough time to get dressed and packed, but only just. I saw Juan again today, as usual. Nothing seems to have changed except hen we parted ways, he didn’t shake my hand as usual.   He didn’t yesterday either. I thought that was odd. Maybe it’s because I hinted that we couldn’t be together. It reminded me of a part of a favorite movie where a man didn’t shake the hand of a woman because he secretly loved her and couldn’t be with her. It reminded me of that. Sometimes we don’t do things because we don’t want the other person to know we want to do them. I know it sounds contradictory, but there are guys I avoid touching because I’m afraid they’ll think the wrong thing and guys I avoid touching because I’m afraid I’ll like it too much. Maybe I just have too many rules in my mind. Maybe I’m reading way too much into a lack of a handshake. As I left, I resolved to hold my hand out to him tomorrow so I could see if he’s going to shake it.

When I first got to work, I felt the stress of the many things I needed to do. It took me a number of minutes to prioritize everything in my mind and get started. I had a good day, despite it containing many of my tougher classes. I do an after-school dance program. Well, it’s kind of like dance and kind of like a lip sync. I had such a good success with last years performances, we decided to cap the number of participants at 100. Today was the deadline and we had 89 signed up! I don’t doubt that we’ll get 11 more over the course of the next week when the placement session begins. I have the students all learn a simple dance to see what they can do. Then I teach some of the better ones a more complex dance to see what they can do. It’s more just to figure out who goes in what group, but the kids all get very excited about it. To be honest, I’m pretty excited as well.

I was looking forward to seeing Juan on the train today. But he wasn’t there. Instead, I saw the man who had spoke to me a few weeks ago. I never learned his name and was not interested to know it. I saw him watching me. If he knew what was going on, he would have saw my disappointment when Juan didn’t show up. I suspected that he did. The train was very full and I managed to get a set of two seats by myself. The man hovered like he was hoping I’d invite him to sit next to me. I purposely avoided eye contact and he eventually walked to another car on the train. I was surprised at how disappointed I was in not seeing Juan today. I felt a small pang in my chest. I told myself that I’d feel that disappointment at not getting to see a friend who I see daily. Even so, I’ve never had a friend like that, so I guessed I’d have to imagine. I worried that I liked him too. Then I thought about it. It doesn’t really matter if I do or not because I’m not going to do anything with him. He’s married. I learned that lesson right after me and Tim had split up. I was pursued by a guy who was also at the end of his marriage.   He seemed to be everything that I was looking for in a guy and everything that my ex-husband was not. The only problem was that he never left his wife as much as he said he cared for me. Eventually, I broke it off, but not without going through a lot of pain in the process. I told myself I would never do that again. So whether I have feelings or not for Juan is immaterial because I will not allow anything of that nature to happen between us.

When I got home I caught up on laundry. I even washed my covers and my sheets. I cleaned up things a bit around my apartment and I didn’t end up getting to sleep until midnight.

——————————————————————

Act of kindness: I did nothing helpful today.

Nature: I spent 40 minutes in nature today.

Finances: I spent $5.75 for parking.

Relationships: I chatted with Juan in the morning and my coworkers.

Meditation: I meditated this morning.

Sleep: I slept 5 hours or so.

Exercise: I did 40 minutes exercise today.

Diet: I almost followed my diet today. I had one small piece of tiramisu and it wasn’t even worth breaking my diet over.

De-clutter/Clean: I did neither today.

Hygiene: I was showered today, but did not brush my teeth.

Mood and temperament: My mood was bad today. After that comment form Juan, I sunk into a depression that I couldn’t dig my way out of. My temperament was good.

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