October 5, 2015

I did not want to get up this morning. I had stayed up “late” to make my food for today. I managed to get up in enough time to shower, dress, and pack my breakfast and lunch. This morning Juan and I talked a little. I had mentioned that I saw my husband this weekend since I didn’t have the words to explain hiking. He cut right to the chase and asked if my ex-husband tried to get back with me. I told him he did this summer, but that I didn’t want him back. He asked if I ever got lonely, wanted someone around. Of course, once he mentioned it, tears sprang to my eyes. I changed the subject and told him I was having a male friend visit this weekend. I couldn’t tell him how lonely I was at times. Although I really hadn’t been feeling the loneliness much lately, as soon as he said it, I felt it. I felt it badly. But what could I do?

I made it through the day, but I was depressed. When it came to lunch time, I didn’t even taste my meal. Or maybe that was the remnants of my being sick. I don’t know. I ended up catching the usual train so I ended up on the same one as Juan, but I was so depressed, I didn’t feel like talking to him. The connecting station is pretty big, so I stayed out of sight until the train arrived. We ended up on different cars, so I don’t think he saw me. When I got home, I tried to distract myself from my feelings. I worried that I’d be alone forever since it seems like all the good guys (and many not so good guys) are taken. I tried messaging Rich, but he didn’t have anything interesting to say, as usual. I took a bath and read a book to try and dull my misery. It dulled it a bit.   Eventually I went to bed, almost on time, for once.

——————————————————————

Act of kindness: I did nothing helpful today.

Nature: I spent 40 minutes in nature today.

Finances: I spent $5.75 for parking.

Relationships: I chatted with Juan in the morning and my coworkers.

Meditation: I meditated this morning.

Sleep: I slept 5 hours or so.

Exercise: I did 40 minutes exercise today.

Diet: I almost followed my diet today. I had one small piece of tiramisu and it wasn’t even worth breaking my diet over.

De-clutter/Clean: I did neither today.

Hygiene: I was showered today, but did not brush my teeth.

Mood and temperament: My mood was bad today. After that comment form Juan, I sunk into a depression that I couldn’t dig my way out of. My temperament was good.

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