October 3, 2015

I had plans to go on a short hike today with my hiking group.  I still wasn’t feeling 100%, but I figured it would be okay because it was just for a few hours.  It was good to see everyone, but nobody seemed interested in talking to me.  Except my ex-husband.  He seemed very interested in chatting.  While I maintain that I think I am over him, I felt some anger at what he said and did in August.  It didn’t help that he brought his girlfriend and she was staring daggers at me much of the time.  Knowing my ex-husband, he probably told her the story of what happened in August in his typical string of half-truths.  I also saw Jack, who I didn’t recognize because he had shaved off his previously large beard.  He looked older, but that could just be that the usual sparkle he had in his eyes was gone and was replace by a more vacant, lost look.  I felt for him, but I had no idea what to say.  I also didn’t want to be too friendly with him.  The last thing either of us needed was people thinking that we were dating or something.  I attempted conversation with several people.  After a while, I gave up and hiked in contented silence.

I found myself walking behind everyone since my lungs were not cleared from being sick.  I ran into my friend Zak.  He’s not usually part of that hiking group, but I was glad to see him.  We chatted about a few things and then all of a sudden, I wanted to cry.  I didn’t know why because we were chatting about superficial topics, of which I care little about.  I finally resolved then and there to avoid my hiking group for a while.  I thought that my feelings were more to do with my ex-husband, but now I just don’t feel welcome.  Our group got so big in the last year or two that we have broken up into various cliques.  However, I am not part of any of them.  Because of that, I felt left out.

We went out to lunch afterwards.  I did much better.  I managed to talk most of the time, but left early.  I was anxious to do more work on my apartment.  I smoked a few cigarettes today.  They were the first cigarettes I had since I got sick last Friday.  When I got home, I messaged the leader of our hiking group and officially told him I was taking time off from our group.  That shouldn’t stop me from hiking, I just see no point hanging out with a group of people when I don’t feel welcome.  It’s not that I don’t have friends.  It could be all in my head at this point, but after everything that happened, I really am only having serious emotional issues when I hang out with them, for whatever reason. I see that as a good reason to take a break from it for a while.

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Act of kindness: I helped someone out and carried something for her on our hike.

Nature: I spent a few hours in nature today.

Finances: I spent $35 in gas and tolls and $35 in food.

Relationships: I chatted with various hiking friends.

Meditation: I did not meditate this morning.

Sleep: I slept 6 hours or so.

Exercise: I did a few hours of exercise today.

Diet: I did not follow my diet today.

De-clutter/Clean: I did both today.

Hygiene: I was showered today, but did not brush my teeth.

Mood and temperament: My mood fluctuated very unpredictably today. My temperament was good.

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