September 19, 2015

I awoke with the pangs of loneliness that I had not felt in a while. I was a year older and a year closer to never being able to have kids. I no longer felt the need for a man, but still wanted the kids. I started contemplating being a foster mom again. I’d need a different place, one with a second bedroom to meet the state’s guidelines. Maybe I could even adopt the foster kid(s) if I liked them.

I realized that I never checked facebook yesterday and was amazed at all of the birthday wishes. Several friends had wished me a good day and a few had told me they loved me and/or missed me. It was sweet!   There was one friend, Rich, from college. We had hung out a lot back then, but hadn’t spoken much since. Except when I had proposed meeting up with him back in April when I was hurting over Bryan while visiting my one sister (who he lives near) and I wanted someone I could probably hook up with. We started chatting. He had just finished running a trail race. I can’t even run on regular surfaces because my body weight causes my back and knees to complain. Even so, he reminded me that I owed him a visit since I cancelled the one back in April. I told him that we’d have to meet up again when I was visiting her again, but was unsure when that would be because she’s so busy. I started chatting about the trails around here and he said he’d be interested in visiting to check them out. I assented, but told him we’d have to work out the details later because I was late for my appointment to get my oil changed on my car.

As I drove to get my oil changed, I felt that familiar pang in my heart. The one where I decided I had a chance with him and was looking forward to seeing him with more than just a friend’s interest. I berated myself for doing this. I was purposely not dating right now. I was not being interested in guys because I was working on myself. My heart did not hear what my mind told it. It just decided that we (my heart and my brain) liked him and had a guy to interest us again. I berated myself, but it didn’t stop the feelings in my heart.

Christine picked me up and we went to Rebecca’s house. She had been planning to have this gathering anyway, but decided to have it on my birthday. On the way there, I wanted to stop at the cell phone store for my carrier so I could trade up to the newest version of my phone. To my surprise, I actually got more trade-in for my phone if I got an additional accessory, so I got a fitbit. I had been interested in getting one, but never could afford it before. Now, it was practically free! Technically, it cost $10 more than the extra trade-in they gave me! I was excited because it tracks your calories burned, your heart rate, and even your sleep! I had a few friends who also had one, so I was looking forward towards connecting with them!

My friend’s house was nice, but there were a number of people there that I didn’t know, so I felt awkward at first. After awhile, I discovered that two of them play classical guitar too! I enjoyed talking with one of them about our favorite music. It started to get late, so I asked Christine if we could go, since we still had an hour for her to drive and an additional 20 minutes for me. On the way we stopped at a diner for dessert and she paid and said it was her birthday present. I was very tired when I got home, but contented.


Nature: I spent no time in nature today.

Finances: I spent $25 on a belated birthday present for Christine and $30 on an oil change.

Relationships: I chatted with Rich online and Christine, Rebecca, and various other friends in person.

Sleep: I slept 6 hours or so.

Exercise: I did no exercise today.

Diet: I did not follow my diet today.

De-clutter/Clean: I did neither today.

Hygiene: I was showered today, but did not brush my teeth.

Mood and temperament: My mood varied.  I started off lonely, then upset with my feelings for Rich, then, ultimately, happy. My temperament was good.


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