September 17, 2015

I actually brushed my teeth this morning. Then I discovered that one of my new fillings had a small piece break off. I’m hoping that doesn’t mean that I’m going to have to get another root canal. I don’t have the money and wanted to catch up on my debts rather than accrue more. The morning commute was similar to always. I meditated and watched the sunrise for most of the way while everyone else slept. I exchanged a few sentences with Juan and we parted with a handshake at our stop like we did yesterday. For some reason, those few words and that parting handshake made my day start out right. Maybe just the positive human contact put me into a good enough mood. Whatever it was, I was smiling and my eyes were sparkling as I walked to work.

I had a tough day at work. Thursdays are always a tough day for me. It’s just that several of the groups that I teach have a tendency to test my limits and that gets really wearing having to deal with it all day. I stayed late to do more work. I took some of it home with me, but I did some things that I couldn’t do because the train doesn’t have internet.

On the way home, I entered the train first and chose a seat with empty seats across from it. To my surprise, Juan kept walking and didn’t sit with me today. I managed to get all of my papers graded, so that was good. Another Spanish-speaking man sat across from me and I was able to speak and understand well enough to have a limited conversation. He told me that he doesn’t speak any English and he had only been in the United States for three years, so I was able to feel good about my abilities! There was only one part that I couldn’t figure out. He said his wife is at the country he came from, but she is not coming here and he’s not going back there. It’s interesting that one of the first questions I’m asked is if I have a husband and then I’m asked if I have a boyfriend. I’m starting to think that Juan’s comments yesterday were maybe not odd after all! I told him that I did not want a boyfriend and didn’t have time for one. I also explained about my ex-husband as well as I could.

I realized after the fact that I often didn’t ask him the same questions he asked me. I wonder if it’s because I don’t care because I’m used to looking inwardly so much or because it took me a while to understand every sentence he uttered. I spent so much of my life being so self-involved, it’s a bit of a struggle to show interest in others. It’s not that I wasn’t interested in them, it’s just that I have had to keep so much attention on my emotions and focusing on keeping them in check, that I didn’t have much energy left to pay attention to others. It was more out of necessity until recently. I seem to be out of depression now long enough to pull my head out of my ass long enough to show interest in others. It’s still an upward battle. It’s not that I don’t have interest, but I need to learn how to show interest, express sympathy, and to “be there” for someone.   I know that sounds weird, but I really am not good at those sorts of things. I like to think that intent is important and so I try, but I’m unsure how often I succeed.

When I got home, I had no energy for anything. I was grateful to have nothing to do after work, but was too exhausted to do anything. I watched some tv and chatted a bit online with Jack. When I got up from the couch, my back was worse than anything it had been since maybe February or March. It hurt this morning when I woke up, but the sharp pains were back when I tried to move. I cried a tear or two because I couldn’t bend down to pick up their bowls for feeding,   Then I realized if I just took the lid off of the can of wet food and tossed it to the floor, they could just lick out the food. I still felt badly, not so much because of the pain, but because it impeded my ability to have a nice apartment and take care of my cats. I went to bed hoping that sleep would help with the pain.


Nature: I spent 30 minutes walking in nature today.

Finances: I spent $5.75 on parking, $15.33 on cigarettes, and $11.74 on fast food.

Relationships: I chatted online with Jack and in person with some co-workers and Juan.

Sleep: I slept 6 hours or so.

Exercise: I walked for 30 minutes today.

Diet: I did not follow my diet today.

De-clutter/Clean: I did neither today.

Hygiene: I showered today and I brushed my teeth.

Mood and temperament: My mood was good, but tired at the end of the day. My temperament was good.


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