September 11, 2015

I awoke a few times before my alarm clock. Every time I stretched, my back complained. I wondered if it was the donuts or the fast food I ate. I couldn’t figure out what else would cause it, since it had just rained.

Instead of instantly getting up and making my breakfast, I stayed in my room and distracted myself with the internet. I watched a video about how preoccupied young girls are with how they look. It took a look at the fact that so many young teenagers were posting videos to youtube to ask the world if they were pretty and some of the comments trolls were posting on them. It talked about how girls that perceive themselves as ugly did poorer in academics. It told a story of a woman who worked in corporate America, who had put together an awesome presentation, but all her boss did was comment on how nice she looked that day. It talked about how young girls are bombarded with images of sized 0 models and airbrushed magazines, who couldn’t tell the difference between real and re-touched photographs of women. Of girls whose self-esteem rides on how many likes they get. In a time where what their peers think is so important to them the images and feedback they receive is telling them that they are not good enough. I felt sad for girls and women who do not feel that they are good enough. But the problem seems so large! How does one combat the images of Hollywood, the media, magazines, the internet, plus a world that has been trained to believe that a woman’s worth lies in her looks?

Then I thought about Frank who still hasn’t messaged me yet. I thought about all of the guys in the past year who had interest in me, but changed their minds. None of them really talked to me afterwards, except my ex-boyfriend who dumped me on New Years Day. Were they all just interested in my looks? One would think if they liked me for my mind that they would still talk to me. I started to get angry. Maybe they’re just not as evolved as me. Sure, looks are what draws me in, but personality can make a man more or less attractive to me than they originally were. I had never looked twice at Frank during the years I have known him until I actually got to know him. But clearly it was all about my looks for him.

Now I have talked about my looks a lot today, so I suppose I should address them. I am still about 50lbs overweight. I have a pretty face and nice eyes. Unlike most teenagers, I never gave my looks much thought as a child. I was rail-thin as a child and only put on some weight when I hit puberty. I grew hips and a chest around the typical age. I never thought about my looks at all until one day my mother told me I should do a few more sit-ups before wearing that out of the house. I changed my clothes and started paying attention to how my stomach looked. I compared it with hers, which was much larger. As an adult, I can see my mentally-unstable mother projecting her insecurities on to me. As a child, I thought there was something wrong with my stomach. After that, I stopped wearing bikinis and always took pains to keep it covered. Even so, unless I was swimming somewhere or wearing a skin-tight top, I never really thought about my looks. I had grown into an hour-glass shape that would have been very pleasing in the 1950s or ‘60s. In an age where thin was in, I realized that I didn’t look like them, but it didn’t affect me much. It’s entirely possible that I was too depressed to notice. By the time I was 13 years old, I started self-harming. I knew, instinctively that something wasn’t right, that I wasn’t like everyone else, but I had no idea why. By 14 I had started fooling around with boys. By 15 I was using marijuana recreationally. At 17 I started seeing a counselor the county installed at the school. I went there about once a week during my lunch and told her everything. I told her I cut myself, I told her I smoked weed, I talked about boys constantly, and about how I didn’t like how my stomach looked. By the end of the year, I asked her if she knew what was wrong with me, because I knew something was wrong with me. After giving me the whole spiel about how she wasn’t a psychiatrist, she thought I was anorexic. That was laughable. I couldn’t adhere to a “diet”, much less go without eating. I wonder now if my depression had actually kept me from noticing societal cues telling me to hate my body.

For years, the only issue I had with my body was my stomach. In my senior year of college I went shopping for a dress for a dance with one of my few female friends. I found a dress that I LOVED and despite the fact that it was mostly made of velvety spandex, it made my stomach look good. She told me what large hips I had.   I looked in the mirror and realized it was true. My hips were significantly larger than the rest of me. Then I thought about it. Never in my life had I ever heard anything in any media form stating that big hips were bad. Big stomachs, yes. Big thighs, yes. Big butts, there seemed to be a debate. But never anything about big hips. I had decided that big hips were okay. Later in life, I have had guys commented on how they liked my big hips and the contrast of my smaller waist. How many years later, I still don’t like my stomach, but it has never become a preoccupation for me.

That’s it! I always had something else in my life that was more important than how I looked. It might have been my depression or my books (I loved to read as a child). It might have been my art or my music. I never had many friends growing up, but I wondered if I did would it have helped or hindered me. Well, I guess there’s no way to know!

I also checked my bank account balance online. I had a negative balance. I had accrued $105 in “negative balance fees” over about $80 in purchases. Wtf!? So I don’t have any money, so the bank is going to charge me more money!? Who says there isn’t such a thing as a “poverty tax”!? So now, instead of catching up on my bills when I get paid again, which have fallen sadly behind, I will have to pay the $-185 instead of just the $80 I spent by accident. Seriously, if anyone knows of a bank that doesn’t charge a “negative balance fee”, they will have my business. If I had any money, I’d start one. Big businesses seem to no longer even care about the consumer, but seem to try to get as much money as they can get away with. It’s sad. It’s sick. If someone eats as much food as they possibly could every time they sat down, people would say there’s something wrong with them. If people hoard their possessions, people would say something’s wrong with them. But hoarding money is not only considered acceptable, but smart; prudent even.


Nature: I spent a total of 30 minutes in nature walking to and from work.

Finances: I spent $5.75 on parking and $15 on fast food.

Socialize: I spent time with co-workers.

Sleep: I slept for 4.5 hours.

Meditate: I did not meditate today.

Exercise: I walked for 30 minutes today.

Diet: I did not follow my diet today.

Clean/de-clutter: I did neither today.

Hygiene: I was showered, but did not brush my teeth today.

Mood and temperament: My mood was decent, but I was increasingly tired throughout the day.  My temperament was good.


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