September 1, 2015

I dreamed I was roommates with a guy who seemed significantly younger than me. I came in and he was sitting on my bed watching tv. Because it was my bed, I sat too. I noticed that he kept trying to move closer to me. Then time skipped forward and he was on his bed with his girlfriend and they were arguing. I left them to it and walked out of the room to give them some privacy. When I came back, she was gone and he was sitting on my bed again. I sat on it too and quickly fell asleep. I woke up and he was cuddling me. It felt nice and I fell back asleep. When I woke up again, he was gone. I wondered if It was just a dream. I went to the kitchen for breakfast. I was at the table and felt someone massaging me. It was my roommate. It felt wonderful! Others came in the room and he continued to massage me.

I was surprisingly not depressed when I awoke. I did not feel pangs of loneliness or longing. Sure, I missed physical contact, but the missing did not affect my mood and attitude.   It’s like my feelings for Frank. I still have them, but there’s no longer an urgency about them. I can still feel the way I do without performing an action. I still can’t take care of myself as well as I would like. I want to be able to be responsible for my own happiness before dating again. Otherwise, I will make the man I’m dating responsible for my happiness and that always ends badly. Besides, I’ll see Frank again, even if it’s next year when we both go camping again. Who knows, maybe next year we’ll both be ready. I know this sounds strange, but I feel like I will end up with him eventually. I know it in the same way that I know I won’t be living here for more than a year or that I won’t be returning to my job next school year either. It’s just an odd sort of intuition, especially since I don’t know where I’ll be living or working instead.

I went to the spiritual class in the morning, but got very little out of it. I was tired, sore, and dehydrated. Chandra still needed more computer help, but I found a reason to leave and go home right away. She gave me something to do for her at home, but that was okay. I could work on it after I was feeling better.

I spent the rest of the day continuing my to-do list, but less got done. I had a difficult time concentrating. The rakhi fell off of my wrist again. I went to tie it back on and found that it had actually broke. I was disappointed. I wanted it as a constant reminder to be good and to work hard to take care of myself. I tried to go to bed early, but I couldn’t get to sleep right away.

——————————————————————————————————

Nature: I not spend time in nature today.

Finances: I spent no money today.

Relationships: I hung out with Chandra today.

Meditation:  I meditated today.

Sleep: I slept for 8 hours last night.

Exercise:  I did no exercise today.

Diet: I followed my diet today.

De-cluttering and cleaning: I did both today.

Hygiene:  I showered yesterday, but did not brush my teeth today.

Mood and temperament: I was in an okay mood today.  My temperament was good.

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