August 25, 2015

Despite all the sleep, I still awoke tired and sore. I felt very tired and unmotivated, so I started out the day reading and napping again.  Then I was chatting with Kevin and as I was typing I realized what I needed to do  I was doing just fine and then I randomly wanted to cry and couldn’t figure out why.  I’ve finally gotten over my thing with Frank, or at least I have gotten over my need to be with him. I’m purposely not looking for anything with anyone. If I find, I find, if not, than not. So I can’t figure out what’s going on.  He suggested a number of things that did not apply, but it caused me to state the following:

I can much more easily volunteer and do things for others, but I’m so absolutely hopeless at taking care of myself. And despite everything, There are many times when me is all I have. Why would I not take care of the one person who is with me through everything?

He asked if I thought that the Universe would want me to learn to take care of myself before finding “him” (meaning “the one”).  I thought so. Only there is no “him” in my world anymore. There’s just me. There may be a “him” eventually, but I’m finally able to focus on “not him”. The only thing is I couldn’t figure out what to focus on now when I spent so much time finding and focusing on him?

I ended up also chatting with Jack.  Things were looking bad between him and his girlfriend.  He had temporarily moved out (I’m assuming by her request).  I almost never think poorly of anyone, but this woman is a manipulative bitch.  Nonetheless, I still feel bad for him because he’s hurting. But I hope over time her true character is revealed to him. It will make her much easier to get over.  I tried to be there for him, but it’s tough. He’s been there for me at times, so I wanna return the favor. That and I just feel for people going through a hard time. I’ve been through so many of those myself and felt so alone. So when I know someone is going through something, I just want them to feel not alone, if that makes sense.

It seemed like there were a few people with issues, judging by the change in their facebook posts. Come to think of it, they were all part of the same clique in our backpacking group.  I feel like several things have happened.  A part of me is curious and a part of me is glad that for once the drama in our backpacking group has nothing to do with me.

I still feel like I’m nearing the end of my shit, but I don’t think it’s quite over yet.  I wonder if learning to take care of myself and put myself first will help me get over my final hurdles.

Despite the fact that I came to this conclusion, I still didn’t do anything about it today. I did next to nothing, either for myself or to attack my ever-growing to-do list.

————————————————————————————————–

Finances: I spent no money today.

Relationships: I only chatted with Kevin and Jack online.

Meditation:  I did not meditate today.

Sleep: I probably slept for a total of 12 hours between all the naps and sleep at night as well.

Exercise:  I did no exercise today.

Diet: I did not follow my diet today.

De-cluttering and cleaning: I did neither today.

Hygiene:  I didn’t shower or brush my teeth.

Mood and temperament: I was in a a haze of tiredness, other than my brief moment where I wanted to cry, I was fine.  My temperament was good.

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