August 16, 2015

I got up for the 4am meditation again.  I slept through less of it today.  I’m not sure what meditating at 4m really does for me, other than show the strength of my desire to be a better person, but I did it.  When we got back into our session, everyone went around to say what they got out of this weekend.  Since my revelations about myself were way too personal, I made up some blather about the wisdom I gleaned from the other people at the retreat.

At the end, we filled out a ‘commitment card’. It had most of the wording, so I just had to fill in a few blanks.   “Having the awareness that I, (name), deeply value my capacity to love, I am determined to sustain my wings of the soul by staying detached. Taking power from the Supreme Soul, I will honor the authentic me by letting go of expectations, so that I can constantly fly and inspire others to fly.” I also received a blessing at the end of the workshop. It stated “Your free heart colors every interaction with the sweetness of appreciation and regard. “ With the wisdom left for me and the resolution on the commitment card, I decided I should take a break from what I had been doing with guys. I hadn’t quite decided whether or not I needed to stop dating, stop seeking guys, stop having sex, or what. I just decided that I needed to stop whatever it was I had been doing previously.

As I left, I felt like I hadn’t made any real connections. At least no one had asked me for my contact info. I felt a little disappointed about it, but consoled myself by reminding myself that nobody really ends up keeping in touch afterwards anyway. Jay hugged my goodbye, which surprised me. I was glad he didn’t ask me for my contact information because I didn’t want to keep in touch with him.

As we drove home, I talked to Kevin about his experience. I was surprised to find that he took absolutely nothing out of the retreat other than the good energy of the place. He has recently acquired a mistress who he claims has been teaching him those things already. Even if she is, I doubt the wisdom is identical. I found useful things in it. I think he is just throwing himself into his “relationship” with this woman and submitting himself totally to her. I used to do that and it’s how I lost myself for sometimes years at a time. He is so much younger than me and not apt to listen to my advice on this subject, so really all I could do is watch as he makes the same mistakes I did. I hope he learns from them more quickly than I did.

When I got home, I really only had about five minutes to clean up whatever mess the cats made in the apartment before people started showing up. The traffic coming home was worse than I expected, leaving me so little time to prepare. I hoped the apartment didn’t smell too bad when my first guests arrived. Rebecca and her husband, Megan, and Christine all came for a mini-housewarming party. I was still feeling peaceful loving energy from the retreat when they showed up, but I was also very tired having gotten up for the 4 am meditation both mornings, but the program lasted until almost 10:00pm so I was feeling the lack of sleep. I hope my mood came out as serene and not tired. After everyone left, I found something simple to eat and then went to bed.

Here are some more nuggets of wisdom from the retreat that were written in my journal:

“What is your purpose? Allow everyone to recieve blessing through your thoughts and words.”

“No one is responsible for your sorrow but you.”

“Guilt emerges when we don’t have the ability to do the right thing.”

“I am always a work in progress.”


Finances: I spent $45 on gas, tolls, and fast food.

Relationships: I hung out with Kevin and the other people at the retreat, as well as the friends that drove over an hour to come over.

Meditation:  I meditated today.

Sleep: I slept for 6 hours last night.

Exercise:  I really didn’t exercise today.

Diet: I did not follow my diet today.

De-cluttering and cleaning: I did both today, as much as I could.

Hygiene:  I was showered, but did not brush my teeth..

Mood and temperament: I was oddly contented and serene throughout the day, even though I was tired.  My temperament was good.


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