August 15, 2015

When I woke up for the 4am meditation, all I could think about was what happened last night.  I wondered how fucked up I was to want to kiss a stranger I do not know. What did it serve? What did I get out of it? Was I that starved for attention, for affection? It did not further my goals. Therefore, it was of something that feeds my ego. Is it worth it? Why did I allow him to essentially disrespect my body because that is essentially what he did?  I still don’t know if I am doing the right thing with Frank. I will still keep an open mind and heart. It is difficult to keep free of expectations. The best way to do that is to trust that God or the Universe will provide and to be self-confident enough to not accept anyone or anything sub par.

This clearly needs to be addressed in my quest for self-development.  Do I need to truly understand why I do something to stop doing it? Knowing why might help to fix what the underlying cause of it may cause me to realize there the underlying cause cannot be fixed. And what then? Or I fix it anyway?  Like an alcoholic who cannot be without alcohol, I crave male attention and affection. How do I stop? Should I follow a twelve step?  It works for alcoholics anyway.  Well, about 20% of them, if the only statistics I could find can be believed.

I believe I had mentioned that I’m currently at a spiritual retreat, which is likely why I’m asking all of these questions.  I was just meditating and I realized that its all about love. I do not feel loved, so I find ways of feeling loved. Even at my job I get love, well, the love of my students, anyway. Why is it not enough? Is it because I do not love myself? Or is it that I do not feel divine love?  There are plenty of atheists out there that are more well-adjusted than me, so I’m not sure if it’s divine love I should be searching for. How can I become free from my need for love? Is it to be loved? To love myself? To let go of my need for love?

I am starting to think this is my final road block, and more than likely, the most difficult. I need to stop seeking love extrinsically. I need to not have any expectations from men. Men should feel safe from me. I need to give my dream up to the divine and trust that I will get it back and it will be pure. That is tough. How do I detach that much? Without goals is life worth living?  I am still finding myself drawn more to the males in the room. Am I missing the masculine in myself? How would I create that energy myself – to be an entity unto myself?

We took a silent walk through the woods. I found myself trying to show off my woodcraft. When we got to the labryinth my mantra was “I love myself. I do not need the love and approval of others.” We were supposed to be silent for a few hours. I was trying to smile at anyone who caught my eye.  Oddly, even though there were fewer males, I found that they caught my eye more often.  I even smiled at the guy from last night.   He was suddenly very friendly, so I was friendly back, but I wasn’t about to make the same mistake again.

I wrote a number of quotes in my journal.  I’m not sure if they were things I learned at the retreat from the presenters or if they were things that I extrapolated from the things they said, but I included them here.

“Good company helps you across an ocean, bad company helps you drown.”

“To become a master remover of sorrow and transform sorrow into happiness is your task.”

“Tension prevents us from feeling our soul. Thinking too much creates tension.”

“When a storm comes, eagles will use the wind to propel themselves above the storm. Their weaknesses become their strengths.”

“’No’ is a complete sentence.”

“The more we war with our true nature, the more problems we create.”

“There are different forms of illusion. They are all related to attachment.”

“An emotion cannot last,”

“Everyone is addicted to their emotions.”

“When I disconnect from my original truth, I become weak.”

“Negative or waste thoughts are real. Then consequences are real. But they are born of an illusion.”

“If I want to be free from fear, I need to have courage.”

“If I want to be free from doubt, I need to have faith and trust.”

“Birds are protected until their wings develop enough to fly, so falling is not necessary.”

“If you get so focused on one thing the other aspects of your life are ill-attended to.”

“Detachment is love for the sake of love without expectation or outcome, just for the sake of love.”

This last one really meant a lot to me.  I think it is what I must strive for.  I’m just not sure how to go about it.

———————————————————————————————–

Finances: I spent $19 on a sweatshirt because the nights here were cooler than I expected.

Relationships: I hung out with Kevin and the other people at the retreat.

Meditation:  I meditated today.

Sleep: I slept for 4 hours last night.

Exercise:  I walked around the woods a bit.

Diet: I did not follow my diet today.

De-cluttering and cleaning: n/a.

Hygiene:  I was showered today but did not brush my teeth.

Mood and temperament: I was so tired, it was difficult to tell what I felt.  I was happy halfway through the day, but then got so tired, I could not be anything other than tired.  My temperament was good.

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