August 14, 2015

I awoke late and I did everything that needed to be done at the last minute possible.  I left and drove to pick up Kevin.  When we arrived, I was surprised to realize that they thought Kevin and I were a couple and offered to have us room together.  I knew I looked young, but for them to think I was dating a 20-year-old!?  This isn’t the first time Kevin and I had encountered this.  Perhaps it is just that we’re just such good friends and have so much in common that there is an energy of close friendship between us.  I gently set her right, dropped Kevin off at his room and drove to mine, which was in another building.  My roommates had already come, dropped off their things, and gone.  They left me the bed I would have chosen anyway, so I unpacked and went to the main hall to wait for things to start.

We started with a brief meditation and introduced ourselves.  The people who ran the workshop introduced themselves.  We received a brief lecture about how transformation has three elements: you have to choose to transform, you have to change your behavior, and you have to become what you want to be.  I also wrote the following words of wisdom: “When you can detach from the emotion of the desire to change, you are free to do so.”  We were sent to bed with the invitation of an optional 4am meditation.

While I intended to do the 4am meditation, I discovered that I was not tired.  I saw a guy who said something about moving a lot during his introduction and chatted him up.  He seemed very interested in my camping trip.  He had just come back from doing a week on a biking/camping trip.  We talked a lot.  He professed interest in some of the areas around the grounds, but didn’t know where they were.  I knew the grounds well enough to find them in the dark.  He asked me if I was scared a few times.  I said no.  I asked if he was.  He mentioned bears a few times so I assumed that was what he expected me to be scared of.  When we got to our second destination, there was a bench there.  We sat down.  It was just large enough for two people, so we ended up touching a bit.  I didn’t mind.  We had a lot in common and he was cute.  He actually reminded me of a guy I had seen in a movie once.  We watched the meteors, which were rather slow, but spectacular when we actually saw one.  Eventually he asked me what I would do if he tried to kiss me.  I thought about it and told him I would let him.  He kissed me.  Almost immediately, his hand found its way to my chest.  I stopped him when it drifted very quickly to the area between my legs.  We kissed a bit more, but when it was clear that I wasn’t going to have sex with him that night, he stopped.

We chatted a while longer.  Then his character was revealed to me.  He told me this story about these guys he knew who were having sex with a girl who was drunk and fell asleep in the middle of it.  They kept going and then worried after the fact about getting her pregnant, so they poured all sorts of household cleaners up her vagina.  I think he expected me to find this story amusing.  However, I was appalled.  When he realized, he tried making excuses for the guys.  He did not try to kiss me again.  I’m glad because I wouldn’t have let him.  He walked me back to the building I was sleeping in.  I went in and went to bed.

————————————————————————————

Finances: I spent $45 on gas, tolls, and fast food.

Relationships: I hung out with Kevin and the other people at the retreat.

Meditation:  I meditated today.

Sleep: I slept for 7 hours last night.

Exercise:  I really didn’t exercise today.

Diet: I did not follow my diet today.

De-cluttering and cleaning: I did both today.

Hygiene:  I did both today.

Mood and temperament: I was depressed and later in the day I became more serene and hopeful.  I enjoyed my time spent with the stranger, before I was appalled at his character.  My temperament was good.

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2 thoughts on “August 14, 2015

  1. Hello – I am so glad that you are back. I had been wondering how the camping/backpacking trip went, and was looking forward to your posts when you got back. I am sorry that the experience was not as good as you had hoped it would be. I’m sorry that you felt let down and disappointed by Frank and Tim.

    Your optimism that things may still work with Frank is very endearing, but I wonder if you are opening yourself up to more hurt if you hold on to hopes that something might happen. It appears to me that he has been clear that he does not want a relationship with you at this time. It doesn’t matter whether this is because he is hurt or afraid. The point is that he has said he doesn’t want a relationship. You open yourself up to a lot of hurt if you hope that he will change his mind on that. I think what may be easier and less hurtful for you is to leave Frank be for now until he expresses an interest in you, and focus on meeting new people who may be interested in you – maybe through the hiking group or other avenues.

    Even though it may feel like you are not going to find anyone to love you and have a family with, take a look at what actually happened – there are plenty of men in the last couple of years that you’ve written about on the blog who have been attracted to you. This means that you are desirable and that people want to be with you. Then it’s a matter of sorting out who actually wants to be with you and then who amongst those is actually good for you. You sound like a really nice person, and I am sure that you will find that one person. However, the more you make choices that leave you open to being rejected or hurt (such as pursuing Frank at this point), the more depressed you will feel, and the more baggage you will have that holds you down.

    Hope you take care of yourself.

    • Thank you so much for your concern and for your words of wisdom! I have noticed that while I have had a lot of superficial interest, I have had nothing of real merit and that was what has disappointed me. I DO open myself up to being hurt a lot which is something I plan to get into in the next few blogs, as well as my issues with Frank. While I still have feelings for him, I am not pursuing anything with him or anyone else at this time.

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